Arianna Hyde

A lot to learn

2012-02-11T18:28:00.000-08:00

I wrote a new song. At least most of it. I just have to revise a few things but it is the first one. Some of the lyrics are very personal but I have just realized how much I miss the way I used to be. I didnt have to force a smile or any of that.

"I have been seeing myself in a different light. The one that I had left behind to be forgotten. But brighter days seem to drift further and further away when I have this voice, these hands, and these eyes that want to stay alive.

To give and to take are my simpliest mistakes. But I will fold my arms too tight to care. Close my eyes and be sincere. Please hear me. Fix me. Please, stay with me tonight while I fall asleep with another broken heart.

Over the years, I learned to burry the truth just beneath their roots. Like they never existed and just as if they never mattered. But I let myself sink just as deep. Forcing ____ and someone else to dig for me.

Days they turn into weeks into months. Ive been picking up the pieces that I learned to love for far too long. Far too long to be chasing the sun ______

Because to give and to take are my simpliest mistakes. AND I will fold my arms too tight because I care. Close my eyes and be sincere. Please, hear me. Fix me. Please, stay with me tonight while I fall asleep with another broken heart"

I have been my extern for school and it taking up all of my time. I don't even know what I am doing anymore-career wise. Secretely I just want to do music but I don't think that is going to work out very well. I feel like I need to get some sort of education.

I don't know what I am doing anymore.
Of course still have no true friends. Liz is here though. LOVE her. She definitely puts a smile on my face. Still no gf. I need to fix myself first. Just wanted to write a brief summary of my life and share my new song. LOVE.

Arianna

January Doubts

2012-01-18T15:08:00.000-08:00

Today I learned that I do not have a plan B. I have had a difficult time trying to pass the test to get into the VT program at Pima. It only discourages me. How am I supposed to feel better about myself when I can't pass?? I can only hope and pray for this next and hopefully last time. I have my doubts but somehow I will gain some confidience. I have to.

Liz comes this weekend!! YAYY! That just means my brother will be home sooner.

I start my externship next week. I am not sure how I feel yet. At first I was nervous but I am excited, too. I will be meeting up with them on friday. So, we shall see.

Anyway, I am distracted.

Dear Beautiful Woman that haunts my dreams;

2012-01-08T09:22:00.000-08:00

Please. Pleaseeee, just leave. I wish this was easier. Even after how ever many years it's been... because it doesnt get easier for me. Not in the least. I miss you. I still want things that I can't have. I have let go. I have taken those steps and I know that I will never ever speak to you again. Then why is this still difficult? Why do you have to come around just when I know things will be okay?? I reaaalllllyyy hate my life. It is what it is. Accepted. Love you dear girl but seriously, just leave...

A New Year...

2012-01-05T10:28:00.001-08:00

This year I want things to be different. I would like to see things in myself that I have never seen before. This year I will be selfish in trying to better myself and learn to love every part of myself, again. I want confidience. No doubts. No insecurities. Nothing negative. Simply to become more like Jesus. Although, I am bound to make decisions that will not settle.
This is my new years resolution.
I will do whatever it takes because I cannot truly be happy or love anyone or anything if I do not love myself.

Christmas Day

2011-12-26T02:44:00.001-08:00

I know it is a bit late but Merry Christmas :)
I have been insanely sick these past few days and on random days. My body is certainly not used to it. I always think that the worst possible thing is going to happen and it scares me. Not because I am afraid to die because I am not but because of the seperation from my family and how much suffering they would suffer. Anything can happen. I have learned this the hard way and I am grateful for life and the time I get to spend with my family. It is difficult to not think of everyone we have lost recently and how broken hearted my family is. I love them to pieces and it is almost unbearble to have no control and to simply sit and watch.
I miss them. I love them.
I am grateful for my loving and deserving family. This Christmas was almost perfect and I am just so blessed to have such amazing people in my life and watching over me :)
Thank you Father in Heaven and Jesus Christ for your unconditional love and limitless sacrifices. I will always love you.

My feelings exactly...

2011-12-20T22:56:00.001-08:00

Watch "JennaAnne: Red & Pink" on YouTube
- despressed

It never gets easier

2011-12-20T22:55:00.001-08:00

Today has been rough. I have been having withdrawls and kind of got screwed over by a "friend" and then I went to work crushing on 2 girls there and most of the time I can handle it but once one left and I was stuck I with the other... all I wanted to do was cry. Then I came home and my brother got angry with me and yelled and called me stupid. Gosh I hate today. I am just so tired my life and I would give anything for it to just be over. This is unfair and no one understands or cares to. Fml. Just want to be over it already.... All of it.

Carried away

2011-12-19T16:54:00.001-08:00

I know I am getting myself in way too deep but everytime I see her my heart skips a beat. I am always resisting. I cant even stand eye contact for too long. She tries to hold my hand and get closer but most of the time I try to ignore it because to me it means something different. Goodbyes are hard too because of course I am torn and I just dont want to touch her or look at her. I get angry for no reason. In reality I dont see a future and I am accepting of this but it doesnt mean that I dont want her. Cause I do.
Kathleen and I were kind of supposed to hangout... But of course she didnt care. It annoys me when my "friends" put their boyfriend or girlfriend before their friends. I am over it. The thing is I will do the same things I do for my friends for my girlfriend and its not like I have any real friends anyway... I could care less. People treat my like I am dead anyway hah. I cant wait to be in a relationship. That sounds like a good time.
And the thing is I never learn...

I hate coming to Arizona sometimes

2011-12-18T22:11:00.001-08:00

It is because it reminds me of how much I want to try make things work. The way you look at me. The way you bring me closer. The way you move in closer. The love I have for you and for your beautiful, deserving family. The desire I have to care for you and each person we both love. I want to kiss and hold and snuggle and have my hand on your leg/in your hands and love you today and tomorrow and forever.

Unlikely and I need to let go of that hope that I seem to have. I just see you unhappy all the time and I want to be the one that gives you what you need to be happy. You are simply beautiful to me... in every possible way but for once in my life I want it.... I need it to be mutual for my own well being. I love you. Always.

Mature

2011-12-17T19:04:00.001-08:00

I cant stop looking at you. You are so freakin beautiful... And I want to be with you. I want to take care of you and tell you I love you everyday and kiss you unexpectedily. I may not be able to win you over but I love you just the same.
The end. Story of my life.

Confession number 2/28346

2011-12-17T09:05:00.001-08:00

I do not like admiting that I miss someone because I almost always say it first which means the feeling is not mutual. I do not like writing on peoples walls on facebook because it is publicly embarrassing when they do not write back...
I just want someone to miss me... But I guess I am not much to miss anyway :/

I am getting somewhere in life...

2011-12-16T17:48:00.001-08:00

There are so many words rolling around in the bottom of my heart. We are on our way to Arizona. I would be lying if I said I wasnt scared. I am. Nervous more than anything else. I am sure things will be okay.
Finally on break from school for 2 freakin weeks! So unbelievably happy. I want to relax for a bit and then some. I am stressing out about school and future plans. Hoping maybe this time I will be good enough :)

Dear future girlfriend, I cant wait.

The friends I don't have...

2011-12-12T17:23:00.001-08:00

I realize that this is my fault and that,i tend to push people away (selfishly) however, I also know that I tend to give a generous amount of chances. If they continue to mess things up then I think that is a clear indication that we probably should not be friends. To have that title is something precious to me because a friend is everything not just something that is set aside. They are special. If we are not friends then it is most likely because of my choices, but I know that I am really not missing much... It's not like you cared enough to make things right in the first place. This is generally speaking not directed. With that said, I am over it.

Omgoodness

2011-12-11T22:34:00.001-08:00

Seriously this girl is beautiful and simply amazing. I envy her girlfriend...

Because it's personal

2011-12-10T08:54:00.001-08:00

I hate seeing you in my dreams... especially when you decide to be nice to me. I have the deep sinking unsettling feeling that starts from the bottom of my heart and tingles down to my toes and then my heart feels as if it has made itself a bed inside my stomach. I wish I could just do things right the first time... I wish I could just let this go because it is getting me nowhere... Absolutely no where. Going to B&N to do my pharmacology progect and hope that I decide to attend church tomorrow.

One of these days??

2011-12-08T23:29:00.001-08:00

I may be pushing people too far away... Not so sure how I feel about that. I just know I am still alone... Hah. I can handle that part mainly because I have felt alone for the majority of my life so it's really nothing new.

That moment

2011-12-08T20:05:00.001-08:00

When I realize why I don't write music anymore.... I miss it though... And honestly I think Heavenly Father keeps sending me signs and I simply ignore them unaware. Ihml....
Btw.... I feel pretty today annnd thats a first in months... It is a start. Even though I never get the girl I want. Lameeeee

Distant

2011-12-06T01:19:00.001-08:00

Because I want to be closer. I dont want to get too caught up and hurt like I usually do.
I miss how things used to be but in all honesty I am proud of how far I have come even when I didnt believe I could do it. I think I finally took the last step of truly moving on and I know that it is still hard but it is worth it... at least that is what I am still trying to convince myself.
Because I am still in love with the girl I always thought you were- the one I wanted you to be...
One day things will happen for me and that is when I will be where you are without resisting :)
I love all that makes you beautiful

At 11:11:11 on 11/11/11 I wished for you.

2011-11-25T08:57:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to take this time to say how grateful I am for my family and things in my life that make me stronger. I wouldnt change a thing about myself or people in my life or trials that I have had because honestly everything that I have been through has made me who I am and everything I am makes me humble and grateful for difficult and lovely things. Thanksgiving is always perfect because I am lucky to spend time with all the people that are most important to me. We laugh and we cry and the best part is we do it together.
The other night I had a wonderful dream. I was pregnant and happier than I have ever felt and I believed that the dream was real even if it wasnt. In the dream I was flirting with all the girls that I used to like and they talked to me... and yeah. haha. Sometimes I really do hate being a lesbian because none of this would happen in the real world. Not like I have a choice. However, I really wouldnt change a thing because being attracted to a girl is exactly what I would want. I do not understand guys. With girls I can read them like a book. They are beautiful inside and out. They understand and listen and are considerate all in one. Guys only have a few of these qualities.
I just have this idea of the specific girl that I want in my life and I want to be where she is... right now. Looks have never been a big thing with me. I have always had times where I was never attracted the first time we meet and then as time progresses that changes because I get to know her and everything that she is makes me attracted to her. I have lost a lot of friends in the past because of that. Normally it is because I push myself away because I know I could never keep her. In the end I would just get hurt anyway. I never said a word. I simply let it go. I have never been in a relationship and I have never had a break-up but I am sure the feelings that I felt when I detached myself is pretty close. Even though we never had anything to begin with... just a little bit of friendship and trust and everything else.
I have been talking to this girl. I found her on Tumblr randomly and we both discovered that we were mormon and lesbian. We have been talking for a week now (even though we have been friends on facebook for a few months) and we just have so much in common. In a way it gives me hope but in other it makes me insecure because I know that I am not pretty orrr attractive. I always end up being the one that likes the other more than they like me. I hear thats not good. hah. She is still a stranger to me but she is exactly where I want to be. I may be getting a little carried away but at least I can hope.
I just finished another sequence at school. I think I did better, on average, than I did last sequence. I am hoping that I will be able to keep it up because these classes seem harder than any of the others. Then I will be going on my externship! That will be a bit nerve racking but hopefully I will do good and get hired! :) That is my goal after I finish this sequence. I am going to work harder this sequence so I will have little time for nonesense and hangout time... not like I hangout with anyone besides my family anyway. hah. Lame.
I have absolutely no idea what I just said......
Love, Ariannnna

I want this to be over

2011-11-21T16:08:00.001-08:00

Lately I have been selfish and honestly I am just too exhausted to make things right. I will end up doing it anyway. Maybe it is because I am not pretty enough or loud enough or simply not enough. Not feeling sorry for myself one bit. I have to deal.

Late at night, I talk to you.....

2011-11-14T21:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I don't want to admit how much this really hurts... because I just want to be strong for myself. I deserve some hope. I am deserving. I am... no matter what anyone tells me. I have been a good friend, sister, daughter, grand-daughter... I have not done anything that I am unaware of that has been unforgivable or anything that I have not tried to fix or recognized. Sometimes I wish that I could be someone else, somewhere else, anywhere but here with this fragile state of mind. Sometimes I block all of my emotions out because I think they will go away but later I realize exactly what I have built myself. Sometimes, I wonder why I am still here, why Heavenly Father has kept me here for so long, why no one understands, why I am the way I am, why people are not more... everything I need them to be. I have never been the kind of girl to give it up, give it in, and let you win. I don't rely on other people to give me hope or happiness because honestly, I know that I am wasting precious time.
When I grow up... I want to be like Jesus. When I grow up... I want to be a Mom with a beautiful family. When I grow up... I want to be happy... just like everyone else in this world.
Lately I have isolated myself from people mainly because I am tired of getting hurt. It's not intentional on their part, I know, but it is complicated... and I don't really know what else to do. People really just don't know how to treat other people these days. Sometimes I wish that there were more sincere people in the world... but obviously that is just wishful thinking.
Lately I have been wondering how things are going to turn out. I don't know if I am ever going to be comfortable with myself. It is the strangest thing because I feel obligated to tell everyone... like it's their priority. These are the things I don't want to admit. All of this... How much i want a girlfriend and a baby and a family. *deepest sigh of my life* So depressed.
I honestly, have no idea what I am saying anymore. I just know that I miss everything and I wish things were different. I wish I was different. I think its the society that makes me feel awful about myself because I am "different" because I am a girl because I am LDS... but that doesnt change the fact that I am always going to have this attraction and desire to be in a healthy, long- lasting relationship with cute kids and a devoting and loving partner :) That truly makes me smile just thinking about it......... ehhhh again, don't want to admit.
GOOODNIGHT

Depression.

2011-11-06T12:47:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUqoqjAlmxM&feature=autoplay&list=FLY2JhtzTycMsRRTOUHUgmUg&lf=plpp_video&playnext=9

FML.

2011-11-05T20:39:00.001-07:00

People are all the same. Selfish. Careless. I don't even know why I try anymore. Yes. I am a lesbian. No, I am not going to change just because you are not satisfied and because Heavenly Father wants different things for me. This is between us, not you and me AND Heavenly Father. I am just tired of people trying to pressure me. Well, I don't like guys and it's never gonna happen. Notice "never". I know who I am. I am not confused. I don't need to be "fixed" because I am not broken... maybe broken hearted, but thats about it.
No one understands.... and they don't care to.
Lonely.
Depressed.
All over again....
F my life.
People are ungrateful...

2011-11-04T20:33:00.001-07:00

So, recently my life has been... yeah. My Aunt Kelly passed away a weeks ago and then Monday my Grandpa passed away. I have been having car issues that's going to cost me every penny I own. I hate being a lesbian, haha. Not being able to be in a relationship when I clearly want to. I think one of worst feelings is knowing that the feelings you have will not be mutual 99% of the time. It has been overwhelming and the worst part of it is the expectations everyone has for me... what do you expect from me?? I have done my best thus far. They don't understand.
I feel numb.
I don't want to be here anymore.
I don't want any of this.
When things start to feel better, something else happens. It's life but I need to breathe. I am sad for my family to have lost people that we love very much. I am sad also because we live so far and it is impossible to be there when we need to grieve as well.
Still feeling insecure. Still have no friends to support me. No real friends at least. I definitely feel lonely but I have my family and my Heavenly Father.... thats good right?? I miss my mom. They went to Arizona. hah. Just hanging out by my lonesome and puppies. Anyway, I keep getting distracted...... fml.

Without You

2011-10-13T19:46:00.000-07:00

So today was a typical day. I am learning how many girls out there really end up being a relationship with another girl.. that are OF my religion. At the same time it confuses me because in the end they almost always choose the guy. For me, I know who I am. Not saying that they don't because I personally do not know how they feel. However, it just makes me wonder and it is kind of unsettling because I know for a fact that I want to be with a girl. It's discouraging for sure because I keep falling for those absolutely beautiful straight girls or the ones that choose the guys and somehow I let myself fall for them, and then obviously it goes downhill from there. I don't know whats right anymore. Like honestly, I have convinced myself of all of these things and its heartbreaking when I learn how it is really supposed to be.
I know how I feel about myself. I am constantly second guessing myself because of what other people say but I KNOW. I just know. I am insecure. I feel ugly all the time and I don't like admitting that because before I was confidient and now I am far from having any of it. Like honestly, who would everrrr date me??? :/ Lets be realistic for a second. beautiful (in every way) girl + arianna = never gonna happen. Like really, never gonna happen. Especially since I am still resistant. I grew up pretending and training myself to be this person that was "attracted to men" and its just hard to be this different person that has been inside me for all these years.
I am still in love with those girls that I tried so hard not to like years ago. It's just so depressing for me to have to do be like this.
Journal Entry Feb 7. 2008: "...I hate this so much and she doesnt even get it at all!! I can't ever say "I love you" anymore because I really mean it. I can't even look at her because I can't help but smile. I can't hug her because I don't ever want to let go. I can't hold her hand because that's just too much and I mean it in the way it shouldnt be meant. Then all of this concludes to anger and discomfort because I'm going too far... if I do it... and I think about how I'm not supposed to be around her...." and "... I don't want her to figure me out anymore. I don't want her to want anything from me. I don't want her to want me to want anything..."
Journal Entry May 7, 2008: "... I just don't think that my feelings matter to her anymore. She is not sympathetic but I shouldn't expect anything from anyone. I have realized that I have to isolate myself from people that I have trusted because I don't want them to know what is going on with me. I feel alone but I know in a way I just want to be alone..."
Funny how years from all of this, I feel the exact same way. I just want to talk and no one understands. I don't even know how to say anything. I just don't want to feel this grief and deep depression. I have felt this depression for the majority of my life and I have fought to change it but I simply just can't help it feeling the way I do.
Dear Never Gonna Happen, please come and find me then convince me that things will end with "You and I".

2011-09-04T19:18:00.001-07:00

Dear life,
I do not understand why you have to be selfish and unfair.
A few weeks ago I decided to start telling people that I am a lesbian. Honestly, I do not find a surprise but hey some of my family too. The first night I cried alllll night long because I felt guilty for not sticking this out and marrying some guy that I do not wish to be married to. I just do not want people to expect me to be with a guy. Honestly, I never expect people to understand because they only understand what they know. If that makes sense.
I just know things are different.
Yesterday my sister got baptized and every song after another I felt even more awful. Just feel guilty all over again.
I do not know what Heavenly Father is thinking at this point. He made me this way. I WAS born this way. I didnt just decided "Oh, I want to make my life more difficult by being attracted to women.." uhhhhh no.
Its heartbreaking. I am overwhelmed. I just want to live my life the way that I want to. I feel so small.
More than anything I would like to be where you are. Spare me and I am all yours because I belong to you, Heavenly Father.
I am so ready for this to be over.
No one understands.... like literally they dont. I do feel so alone and absolutely horrible about myself.... to the point that I actually hate myself. I ahve never felt this way, never this deep.
I just want to cry..... and never leave this room.... this is too painful. Like seriously, at this moment I like someone and obviously shes not going to like me back and I am letting myself get carried away thinking that something might happen. I am getting carried away and its breaking.
Love, Ariannnna

I might..

2010-09-14T22:12:00.000-07:00

cry writing this entry. Soooo, pretty much the other day Suzie and I had our talk. Its funny because I wanted to know the truth and I guess I was just surprised by some of the things she said. It all came down to that were not friends anymore. Which I dont believe but I am back and forth. I feel relief but at the same time I am so upset mainly because its like shes not willing to work on this with me... but at the same time I just cant handle the stress in my life right now. Its already overwhelming. I am not obsessive. All this time I have been relying on people to make me happy but I have learned that the only person that can make me happy is my faith in my Father in Heaven and its no ones fault, its my own. I think that just makes it easier to let go of friendships that were honestly all lies. I am upset because its like she really did lead me on to think that she wanted to be friends and that she really cared about it.... but she just felt sorry for me.... and didnt care about anything besides my spiritual health. hah. We were really seeing things differently than the other and of course I let her win. When we talked on the phone I just let her talk it out on her part. I like never knew anything she said.... it just shows that it wasnt a priority for her. which is kind of just like "whatever" now. Does she really not want to be my friend? I dont even want to know anything anymore. I honestly can not believe how unfair this is. She was the one who told me to do all these things and I completely understand that our friendship could never get closer. It just doesnt make sense to me. I am not sure if I want it to.
Honestly, I am really depressed mainly because it wasnt important to her... which is fine because the only thing I expected since we started talking was for her to come to my party cause she told me she would. BUUT she said that it makes her uncomfortable to know that shes important to me... oucccch! that sucks. this sucks. my life sucks. kathleen really helped me see that I really couldnt have done anything more.. cause i did my best. i was trying to figure out if i should have texted her and demand to know if she really doesnt want to be friends, etc.
That was my last friendship in San Diego that I hadnt given up on. I didnt give up though, not this time! I gave in cause she wanted to win this round and she did and now its done and over with.
I am over San Diego. I am ready to move on, move out, and just get over my life!
I am just so sad that she really just agreed with me... "You know what Suzie, I dont think we should be friends at all..." and then she said, "I think your right." It makes me mad too cause its like giiiirl you just lead me on thinking that things will get better. She never cared (and these are the things I have to convince myself to be true if they are or not.. obviously i dont know but I do). I am trying to figure out why it is that I really find her to be important and what it is that kept me coming back. This time, I am not going back. I am not going to do what she expects me to cause its not who I am anymore and unfortunetly she never gave me that chance to truly prove to her that I did change. I am grateful for that friendship... it taught me a lot. All I know is that I am not deleting her on facebook just because it doesnt make it real. This is so silly but it means too much to me.
Ugh, if were not friends here. Fine! We will be friends in Heaven!!!! I know one day that things will and will not matter.
This is Arianna dealing with LIFE! I miss Brenton and I miss holding my puppy when life gets rough. I dont have that body heat anymore. hah.

...

2010-09-05T23:22:00.000-07:00

And I am crying myself to sleep tonight....
Tomorrow I will be 19 and that means a brand new year without Brenton or Twinkie!! :(
I honestly do not feel like anyone understands.
It feels wrong to talk about it because of what people expect from me.. they expect me to stay positive, etc... really? I am happy but I feel so deperessed and no one understands.
I am over trying to confide in people because they really just see me as a pessimistic person and I am not. I just miss my puppy and my dear cousin! NOTHING is wrong with that. I am grieving. Its the process... duh!
Tomorrow is going to be hard :/
I dont want to cry all day, but I might.. probably most of it....
Ugh... :(
My life.
To make it worse... I cant be friends with you anymore..... annnnd I dont want to be in San Diego anymore. I want it to be summer so that I can move somewhere where no one knows me. I just want to start over and get away from my life. hah. I am good at running away..

sdlfjoe!

2010-09-02T23:38:00.001-07:00

I cant stop crying! :( I dont know what I am doing anymore. I uhh, I think this bday party I am going to have is a mistake... but I dont want to be a party-pooper. hah. This birthday is going to be the worst :( I am starting a brand new year... without my puppy and without my cousin. It still doesnt feel real and when I know it is and when I realize... my nights end up like these. The littlest things are getting to me. Like Suzie didnt text me back... again. AND how my brother is geting on my nerves with the stupidest things. I hate my life. Seriously, so much. Its harder than anyone could ever imagine. I keep thinking about everything my Child Development said the other day. It is my time to figure out my life. At the same time.. this isnt my plan. He really is my number one priority. Its all I want. Then again, that also is all I want. I know whats right. I just dont think I can do it. I cant do this! Seriously.
I am pretty sure the only thing I am going to be doing on my birthday is crying.
Goodbye brenton, goodbye sweet puppy... happy birthday to me :(
wow, i am just so optimistic right now... :(
I am just really sad. I dont understand. I hate that I dont have ANYONE to talk to... face to face. PLEASE seriously, someone help me :(
I am overwhelmed. School was a bad idea. Bro Morgan still makes me uncomfortable mainlyyyy because I think he knows things about me he shouldnt because of my so-called "friend". Whatever. F my life. I am gateful for it though :)

My Deaaaar!

2010-08-31T22:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Arianna,
you need to figure out your life.
Seriously. Its about that time in my life where I need to figure out what I want in life. What is most important to me. What I need to do to get there. Ugh, this life is hard.
Its like its not my life. I can choose but I know what I want is not what I want.
I think today hit hard... I think its mainly because I let myself get carried away and
I really do miss Brenton and my Twinkie.

Aug 18th, 2010

2010-08-20T21:22:00.000-07:00

MY sweet cute puppy died a couple days ago.. :( SOOO sad. Its crazy how much more it hurts compared to when Brenton died. I think its mainly because he was mine ("you are the best thing, thats ever been mine"). I am not quite sure how I feel. I am trying not to think about it. MY POOOR PUPPY :( We think he had distempermant (sp?) and so that means he was probably having seizures during the night (I dont care about spelling too much right now). I just want to hold his little face and kiss him and hug him and never let go :( My feelings right now arent really raw cauuuuse I am doing my best not to think about it. I just dont understand why it had to be him :( I love that dog more than anyone (I know that might sound wrong but its true!) but I think its because he was mine... and no one else seemed to care about him. He deserved a better life. I wish I could have given him that however, it wasnt completely my choice. I did play a huge part though. This is so unfair :( I miss him. This place will never feel like home without him. A new house really isnt the same. This is hard. I feel really alone because no one understands EVERYTHING I am going through.. brenton, twinkie :(, my life. I cant wait until things turn back to normal (even though it wont ever feel that way). I feel so incomplete without my puppy :( SOOOOO SAD!!!!! No one knows. No one cares. I miss snuggling with him :( I miss talking with him. I miss the way he got so excited when he saw me :((((( I feel so awful cause I feel like I could have prevented it.. but I had no idea. This hurts.. so much. I MISS YOU! FOREVER AND ALWAYS MY SWEET PUPPY :'((((

Falling..

2010-08-12T23:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Life,
why do you have to be so overly... complicated?! you. are. ridiculous.
so, we are moving out tomorrow! we have packed most of our things in the truck today and tomorrow we are unpacking! :)
I wish that this blog had absolutely NO readers so that I could just be myself for once and talk about every issue that I have... in detail :(
This is one of those moments that I wish I had someone to talk to that understood every part of my life. Maybe then I wouldnt have to say anything.... for now,
Everytime I see your face.... seriously... :( SOOO SAD! I just want things to be different. Your my friend and I want us to be friends... but then that always gets in the way... and its too much. I cant handle it sometimes.. because I just let you walk away. CAUSE you probably know. You know. I just wish that you would say. I wish I COULD say. I just want to talk... and you dont.. so we dont... :( PLEASE just email me.
Then there is you.. I will always be so in love. I cant believe that I keep going back... to each of you. BUT mainly you... because it will never go away. No matter how far away you are from me we will always be close. I have never wanted someone as much as I want you. I just want you to be mine. Jenna is still right.... and I havent seen you in years :( BUT if I did... I couldnt do anything. My mind gets carried away.... thinking that you actually care... but I know you do... the way I want you to.. but we could never.. and we wont because were both in different places in our lives. Thanks for leading me on :( Thanks for telling me everything you did and then just "changed your mind". Everytime I think about what happened.. I cant believe that it happened and then I think I cant believe that I just let you go.. but I had no other choice. Even though what I wanted was pretty clear. I think its funny how I NEVER thought in a million years that it would happen and then it did... and now its this... I cant be with you. you cant be with me. Your heart belongs to someone else... but mine will always be yours.. as much as I dont want it to be. I still cant get over how desperate I got.. how much I trusted in you and then everything came out at once and I am still broken... and no sincere REAL apologie... nothing :( Every song i write includes you in there somewhere. I miss you. I miss holding your hand. I miss your body heat.. hahaha. I miss talking with you... even though you were so into yourself and all your issues. I cant have back what I never had. One day when I find that perfect person... maybe then this will all go away.... I love you, always.
"I like to think that you care"
"Over ANYONE, I woulld hurt for you"
It hurts. My life really sucks. haha. I hate this part of it. Its my everyday burden..
Ohhhh Brenton, I miss you :'(
I keep writing these songs about you and how I miss you and ughhh! I STILL cannot believe that you are gone.. but I do believe that I cant see your face,for now. Your not gone.. I am.
When is someone going to hold me tight and let me know that things will be just fine?! :( SOOOO depressing.
Arianna
I am not a kid...

P.S. does this mean your going to catch me, Suzie?!?! hahaha. actually, seriously... someone? anyone? Nasha?!?! hahaha. I LOVEEER YOU! Your the best.. seriously... one month!!! Yeeee :) Birthday Bash!
GOOD THING.. no one reads this... that I know.
BTW, I would never admit that I needed help in real life.. unelss you broke me down. thanks. thats not advice... thats just how it is... ohhh my life.

My life...

2010-08-07T14:43:00.000-07:00

Sooo I am pretty sure this has been the hardest month of my life (and the month isnt even over). I really miss Brenton. Its hard to like think about him. Everytime I REALLY think about him and realize that he REALLY is gone... my body cant stop shaking and my heart starts to pound... hard and fast.
Mom just got out of the hospital. I couldnt help but think that I could possibly lose her too. It certainly was not impossible. That was scary. Its a scary thought. I cried a lot. Mainly because my mom is the person that I love more than anyone else. She knows more about me than anyone else does. I talk to her more than I talk to anyone else. I dont know what I would do if I lost her right now, so soon. I am not that strong. haha.
Finally, that other thing. That will always be there. It was so awful... :( Things will never be different. Jenna is right.
I feel so alone. But honestly thats nothing new. I think its more now just because I know that I need someone to talk to and I refuse (mainly because I dont have anyone to talk to... I dont just talk to anyone). My life is not the easiest topic (but I found the right and perfect person to talk to that I would KNOW understood everything in my life- I would talk it out.. in a heartbeat).
I think I have become obsessive again.
I am starting to hate sundays... because its the hardest day of the week. I go to church. Sit and think about Brenton and how he deserves to be there. How much I miss him. I think about how much Heavenly Father loves me (even though it doesnt feel like it right now). I think about how hard I have worked and how I know that Heavenly Father knows every little detail about my life and how he knows much I have struggled. Just thinking about this and writing these little thoughts.... is making me so sad. I never feel good enough. I just want to be happy. I need Him more than I need "that".
I have found that I really hate who I am and how I look, hah.
I do my best. No one seems to notice.
I dont want those friends that I work too hard for and somehow always end up getting hurt.
I miss Ann-Marie.... as much as I hate her.
I hate boys... guys.. they are seriously so stupid. hah.
I hate girls... they are also really stupid. So much drama with them.
I hate it when people try to make me feel better by saying cheesy things.
I dont like it when people touch, hug, talk to me---- anymore.
I hate when people ask me "How are you?" Really?...
I hate feeling this way.
I want comfort.
I need to know that everything is going to be okay.
I am tired of friendships like Suzie's and I's. The ones that I work so hard for and they dont even care. Like really she doesnt care. I dont know what to do anymore. It honestly doesnt matter to me anymore. I have more important things to worry about. Your lame but I love you so much.
I hate living in San Diego... seriously, there are so many fake people here.... if you think thats not true... then you arent seeing what I am seeing. Fake people... are fake people and thats it.
I hate that I love being friends with older people.
I hate immature people... especially when they are a full grown adult.
I am just really sad.... and I want someone to be there for me... I need someone to hold me really tight and tell me that everything is going to be okay. Thinking about that moment makes me realize how much I really want that to happen and how much I need that. It makes me want to cry :'(
Most of what I just said isnt true but it is because its how I feel. hah.
I just want to be a better me.
I want mom to get better!
I love my momma!
I am tired of people feeling sorry for me.
I cant do this by myself.
I know that I am never alone. It just feels different.
I hate that Suzie wont fix and figure things out with me because I still have issues and I cant help it... and my life only makes it worse.. I cant stop.
I dont feel like myself anymore
I cant wait until Alyssa gets here
I dont even want to have a birthday party anymore
Happy Birthday to me... goodbye to Brenton and hello to MY reality.. all over again.
I cant have you.
I dont even talk to Kayla anymore :( Why is she sooo lame?! And I love her too much too.
I hate that I have such a big heart. It only brings me down.
I love my family! AND my other family, the Smiths :)
I love my Father in Heavenly and the Savior more than anything.
I just want to get through this faster.
I dont want to be here anymore....
This is harder than you could ever imagine.
I know that I can do this... but I just cant.
Facing the facts.
I have been strong all this time.
I have been hurting all this time.
I love you.
Now, I am going to go back pretending like everything is just peachy... cause I have to.

100.

2010-07-20T02:04:00.000-07:00

Exactly 100 "blogs". Soo... Brenton died... wow. Its still like so crazy to me. I have been doing my best to not think about it. AND that feels even worse because I feel like I am forgetting about him... seriously.. and all the little details I keep hearing makes it worse.. like how Pachia walked pass the room and he was hitting the ground... :( and how they tried to give him CPR after he was gone.. :(
I honestly never thought that it would be so difficult. To really like let someone go. Its the worst. I am still trying to do my best just to write kind of how I am feeling without actually feeling. If that makes sense.
Like nothing else even matters anymore...
Its so crazy. I never thought that this would actually happen to me.. like someone super close... well of course like thee parents and grandmas, etc.. but not someone unexpected... you know?
Its funny how people are like.. "if you need anything let me know!".. because this is probably one of the worst things that could happen and I dont feel like I need anyone (but secretly thats a lie... I just cant admit it.. I cant admit a lot of things right now...). I think thats the main reason why I havent told people. I told a few but not many.
Weeeelll, I told Lindsey and we were talking at church the other day outside before class and she told me that she's never had someone pass away that was somewhat close... really?! I think thats kind of.. unfair. haha. Not in a bad way. Its just strange to me how like with Lacey and so many people in my family have passed. Now.. Brenton.... I just try to look at it as... this is how strong Heavenly Father thinks I am... even though He knows. Cause that quote keeps going through my head: "Heavenly Father will never give you more than you can handle".
I believe this.
I love this.
I need this.
Anyway... ugh. I feel like this isnt "real" because I am not thinking about it... I am thinking about how this doesnt feel real... how he's really gone. It just seems like an awful dream.
His funeral is on Friday and his viewing is on Thursday. We will probably leave Wed night.
BTW, my brothers are lame :/ they didnt want to talk about it... at all. Mom like left pretty much right after we all found out.
I know that my Heavenly Father loves me dearly and just wants me to be happy but seriously, this is so hard. Its honestly so hard to like laugh or smile or to be happy... it all seems wrong. Brenton would want me to be happy.. but its like.. be happy about what?? That your gone?? Umm, no.. I will not be happy!
This is probably the most awful feeling...
annnnd I thought A.M. was bad. No, this is definitely the worst. It makes me wish that I had really close friends. I keep thinking about how much I just want to lay in bed with someone and cry myself to sleep. Kind of lame but thats exactly what I want. I just want someone to hold and to cry with (even though I havent really been fond of hugs.. since like a while ago...).. thats all. I am sure in Arizona it will happen.
I think the thing that bothers me MOST is that his family is suffering... like a lot. Those kids are my favorite. I love them so much. They have always been family to me... and I have considered them to be siblings. Well, not Kenton.. hes like my kid! haha. And man, his mom... I am pretty sure she is blaming herself for what happened.. and Eric.. hopefully this can straighten him out. The family needs a ton of mending... not just because of this but because they are kind of a broken family. They need to be fixed. Anyway, it just sucks.
I just want to write all night....
I could. Its already almost 3am.
Ohhhh dear Brenton... how I love and adore/miss you... anyway, starting to think about it now.. probably should try to sleep before it completely creeps in. Right? Right! I will blog once I get back... those will be raw feelings!

This is Difficult

2010-06-30T23:28:00.001-07:00

when it comes back to you. AND you.. and you... :(
I hate this part.

Dont lie your way back to me..

2010-05-10T21:11:00.000-07:00

This seems to be the simple way of kind of "journaling". Its funny how you write something when you are feeling a certain way and then you read it again it just sounds so silly. Thats why I write songs... hmm, yeah. Today was an interesting day. I am not going to name names at all but I was texting someone today and I asked a question and then she stopped texting me... hah. Sure, I can completely understand that its one of those questions that I should just know the answer to therefore I should NOT ask. It was, "Do you really want to hangout, or are you just being nice?" I keep thinking about how hard I have worked to get to where I am now.. which is not the person who I was before... but for some reason all of that is coming right back. I have no idea why... but I hate it :( I dont blame anyone but myself for who I have become. I really hate talking to people and honestly.. I cant forget everything that happened between that friend and I... annnd its holding me back from moving forward. I just want to tell her and talk to her but at the same time... there are so many emotions that I cant even fathom. Which then keeps me away. I cant forgive and its really all my fault.
I really need help.. haha. No but seriously, I need to talk to someone and I keep thinking.. about everything... and how I cant get over it. How I turned down LDS social services the day that they finally called when I was doing so good! Is there something wrong with me? Why does this have to hurt... so much?
Its funny how things work out. One moment you cant believe everything that is happening to you (in a good way) and then the next you would give it all up just to be happy. I would.
(.... 20 minutes later..) Ohhhh my friend, help me. "Make me forget. Make me forgive. Make me believe you.." - Kina Grannis

Journal Entry

2010-05-02T10:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish that people would read my blog so that at least one person would know.. who could truly and sincerly help me. I have found that I play this part for people to let them know that I am capable of doing what I need to do.. when really its not like that at all. This entire time of developing some sort of courage and the strength to be "independent", I have sincerly lost my sense of who I am. I know exactly what I want, but more than anything I know what I have to do... and when the two collide I cant help but get discouraged. I dont want to be alone. I am not, but I am. I dont want to be unhappy. I am not, but I am. I dont want to be so inside, but this I certainly am. I dont want to be anti-social... I want a friend but I cant find it in me to trust anyone. I dont have very strong opinions about.. well, anything. I know what I know and thats the end of it. I dont have explainations of my intentions or even why. Seriously, WHO am I? What do I believe in? Why is this so difficult? Its not a trial, its a burden. I cant get over this. I wont, actually. I cant.
I dont want to do ANY of this anymore.. but I will because I have to.

Worst Day everr...

2009-12-28T20:57:00.000-08:00

So today.. started off great; I was packing and then mom asked me if i wanted to go to Sea World. We went to Sea World and not even an hour or so after we got there... I ran into the most wonderful person (as I thought): Kayla McConaghy! Of course, I was like super excited! Then of course, being the Kayla I know... yeah. I love her with all my heart, no joke.. but first Suzie... then Lindsey.. and then her.. like really? Why is Heavenly Father doing this to me? What am I supposed to learn? That I need friends? Anyway, im gonna write a song now. later...

<3

2009-12-27T00:45:00.000-08:00

Hello :)
Some things that are going through my mind:
1. ann-marie fenz
2. suzie trepanier
3. weston gardner
4. soooo sad right now, hah.
I would like to believe that things will truly and honestly get better, but I am becoming more and more discouraged as days pass. I miss Suzie.. and at the very least I miss Ann-Marie (but never enough). I have realized that I myself have become somewhat of an anti-social perosn. I just feel like I am finally standing by myself (completely alone), and I feel so lost. I miss Lindsey, too. With Lindsey its become awkward.. she hardly talks to me like we used to. She never calls like we used to back and forth. She has become distant.. or is it me that has become distant? It makes me sad to know that there really arent people who care a lot about me.. like I used to think. I do care about my family and I know they care about me but I have been displayed in the background of a big family. I am not so much afraid that I will be lonely for the rest of my life.. I am afraid that I will never conquer my fear of being able to trust someone and become close to them. Ugh. I just have so much anger towards both Suzie and Ann-Marie. Sure, it makes sense with Ann-Marie but with Suzie... I am just so confused but I dont even want to talk anymore.. to anyone, hah. All I know is.. I dont feel welcome anywhere, anymore. This feeling.. is too familar.
I know that my Heavenly Father loves me dearly. I also know that whatever is best for me, He will provide the way to make it happen.
"Please, find someone to make this right..."

Heyyy

2009-10-25T09:35:00.000-07:00

I love randomly blogging! It makes my life somewhat easier. Sooo, life is good. I honestly have never found as much happiness as the happiness I have right now. I feel good about church, for once in my life. I feel greeatt about my music. I love the Lord more than anything! General Conference.. was amazing this month and its actually the first time I have watched every talk! It really does make a difference. I love my singles ward! The only thing that is missing is a boyfriend! Friends will be friends. I miss all of them so much. The new house is still just in an "alright" stage. It will get better though. Time out for Women this last weekend was just wonderful! The talks were truly inspiring and gahh, the speakers were just overall good people who love the Lord! I am grateful for examples and the people in my life and the trials that the Lord sets aside for me. I am happy and content with my life.

Only a little dejected

2009-08-30T21:33:00.000-07:00

Sooo, here is my blog. At the moment I am in between doing homework and listening to music annnd writing this. I started college Aug 24th. I recieved my YW recognition award on Aug 18th. mmm, yay! Alright soo this is the deal since I cant really talk to anyone and I dont have time to write everything down in pen. My dear friend Suzie is STILL not talking to me. Hah, its embarrassing to tell anyone that her husband had to write me to tell me that.. basically I cant be friends with her. Like this whole time I knew that eventually we wouldnt be friends anymore. EVEN THOUGH she told me that she wasnt going anywhere. Yesterday was Youth Conference (as well as today) and I assumed that she might come during the day but she didnt show and that was good but then at the dance, I saw her. Gahh, I care about her more than almost everyone I know. I dont know what to do. I cant just go up and talk to her and then her just leave eventually (like at girls camp). I know what I have to do though but I need some closure so that I know for sure that I can continue to forget. I dont regret going to the dance, for sure! Its insanely ridiculous how much this body is aching just to know what it is that I did to make her dislike me and to make her stop talking to me. This has happened to me too many times to count and this time I want to know why! What if it is the same reason that all the other people I thought were my friends decided that they didnt want to be my friend. I have to say.. that I hate feeling alone. All these people in my house distract my mom from our relationship and I miss my brother because I never see him anymore. Lindsey is gone and then everyone else are just people I say hello to. Nothing special. What I hate even more is that all of this sounds silly but its definitely not a silly feeling. This is happening for a reason. We are moving into LM2 for a reason. Maybe she wont give me reason but I know its not a good enough one. I dont want to email her because her husband might eventually email me back and because I feel like I always say too much and then I dont get a response. I am thinking that he told her not to talk to me. I have an idea why and maybe it is a good enough reason but I need to be sure. To see someone avoid you on purpose is heartbreaking and whats worse is that they dont even care about how you are feeling. Maybe things will get better after her husband gets back... I have nooo idea. All I know is that I need to stop. I just need to let things work out how they need to be. gahh, I need to get back to my homework.

distored

2009-07-30T21:21:00.000-07:00

So basically my day was one of those days where it starts off amazing and then ends with almost dying from ridiculous drowning tears (soo sappy). Anyway, I could care less about how cheesy/awkward that sentence sounds. I was invited today to see Wicked with the Edwards and Diane also tagged along. I am seriously in love with the musical Wicked!! I loved it beyond anything else.. almost. Then I spent some time with the family celebrating Kaylynn's bday! Then I got home and checked my email and got an email from bro. trepanier. I seriously like froze before I read it. It basically was a sign that I cant be friends with his wife anymore. Its just like everything he said is so true but then again the part about the yw leader stuff and getting to know the girls in my ward? That was probably the only thing that bothered me in that email. He doesnt know me and neither does suzie. They dont know why or anything. Its not my fault that I like being friends and am more drawn to (may I add) being friends with adults. I am practically an adult right now but I know that I need to work on things. It was never that I was obsessed... I just didnt want to lose another friend... or like the only friend I feel like I have.. but he is still soo right. And it really helped to make it easier to just decide that we cant be friends. I know... like I KNOW that I am going to be very lonely for the rest of my life. Because of decisions that I make or because of who I am/what I believe in. Annnd.. honestly I am staring to think that I need to make a decision and commit. Like right now. I would rather feel like I have a reason for not having any friends... all the people I know are aquantances... and that to me is a huge difference. I hate the fact that I trusted that she would always be there for me and of course.. shes not.. she really has no other choice besides to not be there for me. He really helped me really know for sure about some of my assumptions (though its never ever good to assume!). However, he AND suzie does not understand and neither will anyone else... because they dont know me, again.
I wrote a song tonight hah. Basically my life.

First Thing:
"No surprise here
Losing again, and again
The only one left without a friend
But he is right, I know

(chorus)
This is what I have to look forward to
For the rest of my days
This is who I am , what ive got
But you dont know the first thing about me
So dont try to empathize
you have, you have no right

Theres nothing in this life that I want
Little shame but a lot of doubt
Too many things I could live without
They dont need nor want me anyway

Theres nothing in this life that I want
No surprise here
This is who I am
And you have no right
To know the first thing about me

This is what I have to look forward to
For the rest of my days"

I am so sad annnd I will probably never hear from Suzie again but I am sure that I can cope. Most likely not though. No friends? Okay! ugh, :(

Wow.

2009-07-21T22:59:00.000-07:00

So, in the process of cleaning my room I decide to come here and look at my blog and listen to some music (I need to change and add some songs). I noticed that a lot of my blogs talk about Suzzzaanne (ahha) and funny because I was just going to write about her. I honestly do not understand why this happens with her and only her- although it does feel familar comparison to Kayla, Trahan, and somewhat A-M. So I am not so sure that I feel like fixing this because I know I might attempt to but im never very successful. Jillena told me to not act so desperate but even when I dont act like it everyone knows that I am quite desperate becauusee I care. hah. Then she also told me that the one that cares the least has more power. Hmm, sooo Suzie cares less (really like not at all) and she dominates me. Interesting but very true. This has happened before, obviously because of previous blogs. Why has this become a pattern? Why does she not want to talk to me? Why is it that she claims to want to get to know me then when I give her opportunities she rarely takes them? I know that at girls camp I ignored her but its only because she was doing it to me. I apologized and I really did mean it. I know she is capable of coming up to me because she has done it before- though she did not at girls camp. ONCE and that was it. I had to continue to go up to her and then she would eventually leave without any goodbyes. It stressed me out so much that I could not eat... not even kidding. That has happened like a few times before where I just dont have the app. I did tell everyone that I didnt know why I couldnt eat but of course I knew.. but why would I say that? Honestly though, its never been that bad... I was actually starving but once I got my food and tried to eat I felt like if I ate too much then I would throw up.
I know that for most everyone I am "friends" with I am of little importance. I just need to take some time to convince myself that my efforts in this world will not make a difference towards my goals in life. I also need to convince myself that Suzie will most likely never come around. To be honest... I know whats going to happen when her husband gets back and maybe its just that time to let go. Ive really thought about this. Though it may not be what I would like most but it seems to be the best for the both of us. I will always be alone in this life and I dont want to keep giving my time to something that will either never exsist or where the other person is unwilling to put in the effort. Earlier today I was sad and very confused then a few hours ago I just told myself that this is reality and its happening for a reason. I just wish that she would stop avoiding me and avoid talking to me. I also considered maybe its not me maybe its something else but then I also thought of how I told her I would call her and then she turned off her phone and then when I texted her she never texted back... but she never called me back either. Then also at girls camp when she would just leave. ANNND when I tried to come over and she said that she was going to take a nap but I could understand that. Tell me that shes not avoiding me now.
The thing that bugs me the most is that she doesnt say what she means. I feel like she doesnt want to be my friend anyway. Then why dont you just say it? I would rather be told the truth then have to wonder/suffer because I have no idea whats going on.
Anyway, summer.. has been an interesting experience this year. No friends just guitar. Finding out I was wrong about Oak Harbor. Excited for the future and for college :) I already miss Lindsey but I dont think its going to be that hard to let her go because were not really that close anyway. Im not close to anyone. My fault but I guess I have no regrets. I hate getting hurt.. who doesnt? I love Suzanne but its just another one of those things. Best friends are no more. Alyssa and Kayla are off on their own and once again im left without. My new best friend is my guitar. Probably moving soon and I dont want to. Singles ward and cute Mormon Men! hahah YAYY! Girls camp is over and to be honest im so glad. The whole time I felt left out anyway.. thats another reason I couldnt really eat because I was stressing. I was PMSing. ohh yeah. Story time. So our first day at the beach... yupp swimming not for me but I wanted to go Kayaking but guess what? I had no partner annd there were no more kayaks. It bummed me out at the moment but then later I got over it. Then that night I cried twice. That was the first in sooo so sooo long. Anyway, that was the night we went to the pavillion and I was first late to a YCL meeting earlier that day and sister Skaggs gave me and brittany some dirty looks once we arrived. Then later that night Allie needed someone to go back with her to get a jacket.. soo I went and she asked where we were going then she made the comment that I had been gone longer than I had been in the pavillion with the girls (because I was late for personal reasons). Then right after I tried to go and talk to Suzie.. I got like a few sentences in and then she just kind of walked away while talking to me... thats when I cried the first time. That hurt plus everything that happened that day anywayy. Then later later that night sister Skaggs was coming around to tell girls to go in their tents. Then she came around to ours and after a few times telling us to get in our tents she asked why we were not listening to her. Jenn and Arri were putting on aloe vera and I was getting a drink of water. Then she said to me "Arianna, you are the YCL you need to be the example". Basically telling me that I wasnt a good YCL because I was getting a drink of water.. if I didnt feel bad enough. Then thats when I got in my tent and cried.. again. I got little sleep. Thanks so much camp for that wonderful experience.
Anyway, I have doubt that things will work out. If they havent already then why would they later? I just want to go over to Suzie's house and talk but I cant act desperate and she doesnt want me to anyway. Its obvious. She lied about a lot of things though not meaning to but it did mean something to me and I have little faith in a lot of things. Tomorrow I am going to try to forget but I know I wont be able to... I am giving it a week sooo if she ends up not wanting to talk after the week then I guess im losing another friend.. because im just so darn good at it! I just want things to work out and to never have this problem again but I cant do it by myself and right now it seems like shes not willing. ANND shes going to make me wait. I dont know if I can.
Hmm, anywayy... goodnight. My room is still a mess. hah.

NVM.

2009-05-23T23:10:00.000-07:00

I wanted to take some quality time (haha) to blog real quick. I just wanted to say how much I miss my friends in Oak Harbor but of course its never the same when I am there. Tonight was the dance. I wasnt going to go but I ended up going and it just reminds me of why I didnt want to be friends with those girls... buut I have to. Its better for me to be neglected every so often instead of being ignored completely. I miss Suzie and Lindsey... like so much. Suzie like isnt even talking to me. Hmm, this feels too familar. I seriously can not do this. If she isnt going to talk to me then there is no point in us being friends and im heartbroken, like really. Lindsey isnt really talking to me either but I think that its because i am not really putting in the effort. Am I really not that important to anyone?? The girls in my ward are never going to get out of that clique-ish thing and I just wish I could make friends that actually care about me. i dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to be sad... and I am right now. A lot. The thing I hate most is feeling alone. I dont think its ever, EVER going to go away. They think its hard, they dont know hard.
They dont even care about me. I am way too familar with pretenders. Will this ever cease? I am sad. :(
"Not too long ago you showed me what it meant...
to be true.
And now were broken down to this.
A wall that seperates us too.
Leaving such a heavy concsious."- Never Mind: Arianna Hyde
ughh.

12:38

2009-05-22T12:37:00.000-07:00

Heyy. Hmm, so right now I feel like blogging. I am, at the moment, deciding what to do. Should I go to Arizona? Or should I stay home? Its mom's birthday this weekend but I have things I need to annnd wish to go to this weekend. Is this selfish? I just dont like being the third wheel. I am sure that no one does. I just hoped for once she would stay home and maybe we could do something as a family instead of tagging along with her best friend and her family. Hmm, well I guess I could understand because my friends are still and probably will always be more important than family. At least until I have one of my own.. though... prettty sure no guy will marry me and im not sure if i will want to get married. Buuut I do have to. This religion thing is confusing to me but I love God enough to do what he wants. Its just complicated. Like right now.. this guy, Daniel, really likes me and I can totally tell... but just the thought of having a boyfriend freaks me out. Its not about committment or anything like that. I just dont want one. If I do find a guy.. then I know I wont just settle for anyone. I know what I want in a companion. I know He will provide if its meant to be. Hmm, anyway, last night was softball. I didnt play like at all. I was hanging out with Jenn the whole time. I honestly have to do this. I have to befriend the youth in my ward... if I dont want to feel soooo alone. I seriously thought that finally it wouldnt have to be like this. Buuut of course I was wrong. Its awkward now around like both Lindsey annd Suzie. Thats rough. To feel so close to someone and because of one little thing.. everything just changes. Like last night Lindsey was trying to talk to me but its like shes not interested... she gets distracted. I am not quite sure how to explain that. Well, its okay I guess because she is leaving anyway. I think that if got close enough it would only be harder for me to see her leave. Then again, I am so used to people leaving... that its normally numb in that general area. I left and then they left. Hmm. Then Suzie came up to Jenn and I but its funny because when she comes towards me to talk she always talks to the other person first... if that makes sense. This whole thing that i tried to solve has opened my eyes to a whole new perspective that no one is ever going to be there for me. For once I was actually trying to make things different and trying to change my ways. However, Suzie just wasnt that person. No one will ever be that person. How can she just sit there and say like the relationships with Kayla and Alyssa are not comparison to the one we have?? She doesnt even know what kind of relationship that is. Were close but not like close enough that I go to them and tell them my problems.. unless its something I know that they could understand but its only with Kayla I can do that. Alyssa is just my buddy to be crazy and hangout with. I think she has a different understanding. Anyway, last night... I treated her badly. But I dont know understand what she wants from me. She cant tell me to do my best when like I know she cant. When I know that my best is more than her "best" deserves. I care about Suzie, a lot. Like seriously I would do anything for her but I know its never going to be the same back. Thats what happens when I become friends with adults. I need to get a life and friends my own age. Which is difficult for me at times. Like now. I hate feeling alone constantly. Like ever since I moved her I have tried to fill that empty space. I have never been close in the church so its hard for me to really consider that I am not really alone. Then to finally have some sort of hope... then its taken away. Although I do have good friends in Oak Harbor. Still its hard to not feel alone. Alyssa has a boyfriend and for her its boyfriend then friends. Kayla does not have a boyfriend but I know how she gets sometimes. Then everyone else I thought was my friend like we dont even talk. Most wont do anything for me. I just wanted things to change. Its not like I am not used to it but I am. I dont want to be. Like all my life. Really. You dont know me. You cant name, a lot of things about me. You dont know most of the things I have been through. People may think of me as a kid buuut I am not. Just because my age defines what I am is not who I am. I have been through most all of it and possibly more.
I dont think anyone wants to be "good friends". I dont think Suzie wants to be my friend. I dont think Lindsey and I will ever really get back what we had. I know I dont need someone to make me happy. It helps but I dont need someone. This is making me sad. I dont like getting close to anyone new because things always ALWAYS change. I thought I was close to diane and alesha.. nope. I thought I was closer to lindsey and suzie... nope. hah. One day.... and it just means more waiting...

Find.

2009-05-18T16:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to the scripture bowl. It was soo so sooo much fun. I feel like now since I feel like theres really not much for me in La Mesa 2nd I am really forced to do other things. I am grateful for the people at La Mesa 2nd buuut things are different now. Its awkward around Lindsey AND Suzie. Its going to be even awkward-er around Suzie. I feel like I have tried and done what she asked me to do and she wants us to do "our best" when really it cant be done on her part. I am honestly just really hurt that she first said all of these things and then now its like she is changing her mind? Im not really sure what to think of this. I tried to talk to her and let her know how I felt (because its kind of what she told me to do) annd its just that shes not interested. Or distracted. I dont know. Its okay I guess. I just dont know what to do about the whole situation. I know how I am and I am probably.. actually, most likely going to be pushing her away. I dont want to. Its just how I am. This blog is definitely not very sincere, sorry. I just dont know what to do. Im hurt but at the same time... confused because of things that were said. Anyway, I am trying. With or without what I thought I needed. Besides that, graduation is soon. Not posiitive who all is coming. I do want suzie annnd kayla to come, more than anything.. but for both its not likely.
I need God's help. The 30th... or the last saturday is baptisms... however, I ALWAYS feel like its not okay for me to go. Maybe it is now. I want to. Hmm. Life.
I love my guitar. I swear its the only thing that will be there for me in the end. Its kind of silly but its soo true....
One day. I will wait for that one day. I thought it already came.. but it hasnt.

Sad Today.

2009-05-13T10:09:00.000-07:00

Hmm. Well, I have no idea what to do. If anything I only feel more alone than ever. Also, I know things are going to change. Like I know for a fact that its only going to be awkward and I am probably going to go back to my old ways. Mmm, life. I think I just need to focus on different things... besides friends because it only makes me depressed... because I really dont have any. The ones I do have... are not friends, here in SD that is. Anywayyy, thats all I am going to say until later. Work time now.

Will you...??

2009-05-09T21:27:00.000-07:00

I just need to confess some things. hah. I am really sad right now. Like tonight was good besides the parts where I just dont feel like people dont want me here. I know this happens every so often. But ughh, :( im so sad that like I missed out on so many things. Prom, dances, and such with the friends that I know want me around. I miss kayla. I want a hug really bad right now. Pretty sure I need one. I feel so alone and its honestly all my fault. I am scared that I am going to lose other friends too... I dont feel close to anyone... not after tonight. This is one of the reasons I dont let people in or dont become too attatched.. because they leave. Suzie probably is not coming to my graduation either but maybe its because I am not planning on asking her again. Kayla probably wont be there either. Lindsey will not be there. ughh, i feel incredibly alone. annd I cant stop crying. haha. They were talking earlier about kate and lindsey's YW recog. night annnnd I guess im alone in that too. I guess its okay. I just dont want to be here. I dont feel close to anyone anymore. Im probably just going to stay at my ward, no one wants me there... no matter how much they claim. they just want me to be "happy at church". They are lucky to have such good friends here... I miss mine. And funny thing because either way I dont feel like it would be the same after a while in Oak Harbor and that saddens me even more.
I just want someone that wants me here.. that I know for sure they want me here, no second thoughts. I dont want pretenders... hah. I dont want to do this anymore. I would rather just not have friends here. I am confused of what I need and then what I want. I dont know what to do.. I dont know who to talk to who will truly listen.
I dont want to lose my mom. I am terrified that something bad is going to happen and then I really truly am alone. She is the only person who knows things about me that no one else does. She knows my past. Even though I dont talk about any of it... ever.. so many things would change. Crying more now. haha. What happened to my happiness?? Its life. I need sleep.
Thats all I needed to say. This is like my truth blog. Things I could never say.. not only because I talk awkward but its too hard. Annnd I am NOT strong enough. I love that song.
Night. Still yes, crying and I feel better.

Breathe

2009-05-08T20:35:00.000-07:00

Well, today was soo great. i enojyed almost every second. Mom stayed home so she ended up taking me to the DMV to get my permit. ANND I passed the test! Soooo happy then from then on she let me drive. :):):)
I miss KAYLA!!! A lot.
Then later on I went to the LAX game. I really enjoy lacrosse. I get into it... the watching part I am not the person to yell. Hah. Like I think I did only a few times at Wildcat football! That was it! It was with Caitlin and all thhe girls I hungout with. I miss those day, a lot. I am over high school though. Past it.
Mmm, just some thoughts on my mind. I am trying hard to become closer to my mom but I am not sure we will ever get to the point. Umm, things I thought were possible do not seem possible because of the things that happened today.. and its such a relief but a bummer at the same time but a gooood bummer. Anyway, I felt somewhat bad today because Suzie was trying to start conversations but I dont know. When I hangout with her.. it just feels like this motherly thing and she is a mom but... I dont know... its an awkward friendship but I love Suzie, lots and lots. I miss Lindsey, we never get a chance to talk. You know.. deep down I think suzie and lindsey like to pretend that they like to come and get me and drop me off. hahahaha. Its funny. Thats my theory. Anyway, speaking of talking. Ughh, i really dont want to talk to suzie... like what I wanted to talk about. Im just like not sure of sooo many things. I am scared. Its difficult because she has many many friends and I really feel like I have few. Like close ones, here. I am jealous. I want suzie and i to be closer. Lindsey and I are basically there.. almost. Ijust dont want to be alone. I want somewhere to go. Hmm, but of course it never turns out that way. That is why I am trying to find my own happiness and such. I dont know what to do.
I want to go shopping. Like realllly bad but I cant until I get more money because I am saving saving saving! I have 1400 in my savings right now and its not a lot but its for college. I have ten dollars in my checking and less than twenty in cash. I babysit tomorrow though. Thats at least like 20-30 more dollars. I am trying to make more cash right now. So I can go shopping! Gahh. Maybe with SUSAN?!? haha. I love susan.. sooo much.
I miss kayla.
Babysitting tomorrow and Suzie/her La Mesa 2nd
??
I love you.

Blaaaghh Time!

2009-05-05T19:43:00.000-07:00

Hmm.
This is semi-overrated.
I love my friends.
I love H.F.
:)

I love my sunshines (shunn-shine)

2009-05-02T17:04:00.001-07:00

Today is good although at the moment my foot is asleep.. hmm, haha. Well, today I babysat.. I am going later tonight as well. Yayy!! :) I love Jace sooo much. He is such an adorable kid. hah. I can not believe he is walking already annnd he is over a year old now! Crazzyy. But its so great. I am happy for Scott and Jillena. Hmm, well, yesterday was grandma's birthday.. aww, shes getting old. hah. Then today is suzie's! yayy. Birthdays are my favorite holidays. haha. Mothers day is soon annnd mom's birthday on the 23rd. Not sure what to do.
I have a confession to make, lately (since my vacation) I feel like such a different person. Im sure its a good thing but I feel different and soo happy. Like really. I am happy to be happy but am confused a little of how this happened. I am leaning more towards encouragement from some of my friends like alyssa, kayla, lindsey, annd suzie. While I was in Oak Harbor I really felt like I needed to change not just for myself but to be a good example to other people around me. Encouraging Kayla to do her homework and for her to actually do something was such a great experience because it helped me realize that I do impact other people. How little or how severely... I know that it helps. I am trying very hard to let go of a lot of things that I have been holding onto (I know I have said that somewhere before). I still have not fully let go because I still have things I need to get rid of but I know where I am going and I really like it. haha. All my life, the only thing I wanted was to be happy, like truly truly happy, and I am. Sure, it might not show a whole lot but I can feel it. All I have to say is... I am ecstatic for life and to finally get out there. I hope to become more confident in my music but also just in general. I also hope to be more stage present so that I will not be so shy when performing. Life. :) Its okay sometimes and this time around its sooo blissful.
I finished my new song today :)
I love my friends and supporters sooo so sooo much.
Amen.

Attatched

2009-05-01T09:24:00.000-07:00

What is up with my dreams?? Seriously. hah. I had like three last night. One where we were somewhere with like a lot of tierrasanta church comers and then there was a tiger locked away but it got out. There was a door between us and the tiger and people were expecting it to come out so we all sat a certain way waiting for it to come but it didnt. Then I went in and looked at it and it like ate my finger and then decided it liked how I tasted sooo it then came out. I tried to look up what that meant and I think I kind of do but its confusing. Then the second one I had was prretty freaky. hah. Like apparently we were at someone's house and my mom was possessed or something because she kept saying things about someone else being there. Ughh. haha. Then i was explaining it to someone then also during that. Like Molly and Dave from work was there and I was going to take a shower? hah. The shower represents like some sort of cleansing of change of heart or forgiveness. Yeah. I think the rest was just to scare me. Whooo knows. Then the last one... mmm. I honestly never thought I would have a dream like this. I dont even need to look it up to know what it means. Well, I was at church with a lot of family and we were trying a different ward and in walks ann-marie with sam. I dont know what it started it but Ann-Marie was yelling something to someone who was talking and I was just like "shut-up!" Then it started. She basically was yelling out to everything .. well everything between us although there is nothing between us anymore. Then she kept making comments about certain things where it was pretty obvious. Then she finally said it. Wow. I just started crying and like sobbing. Then I finally gave in and ran out to someone's house. Then people randomly came and tried to find me. Uhh. hah. I was crying soooo much. I realize now that like I am not afraid, I just dont want to talk about it. I definitely do not think I would react that way but I truly feel like Ann-Marie is never going to be a part of my life and I feel as though I have let go. I think about her and theres nothing there no sympathy or sorry feelings or any dreading feelings towards her. Nothing. I think this was just a dream telling me that everything is going to be okay and everything that happened should be left a "secret". It just brings things up and I can handle it, I just dont think its necessary to talk about the past, anymore. Thats all I need to say.
Sooo, yesterday I got my graduation invitations. I am probably going to be working on them this week and then sending them out the week after (probably on saturday or the week after that). Just because most people can not go because they cant or they do not have a ticket. I only have ten tickets. These are the people I want to go/are going: Mom, Ry, Lindsey, Suzie, Saundra and her husband, Bree, Tonio, Jenna. And thats already nine. bree wants to go. Mom, Ry, Saundra, and Her husband are for sure going. Bree wants to go. Jenna I really want to come and I am willing to pay for her ticket. Lindsey, Suzie, Bree, and Tonio are all people I am waiting on. hah. To tell me yes or no. I really want my brother there because I want to see him but it doesnt bother me too much if the rest cant come because its a little nerve racking. And I am sure I will see Lindsey and Suzie later on that day.
Then I got a catologe (sp) from CORNISH!! YYYAYYY!!! hah. Cornish makes me happy. :)
Today, I am doing a lot of things. Catching up on lots and lots then later on I am going to go to Allisions and then Alesha's. Kind of dont want to go to either. Buut I want my cds back. hah. Maybe mom could take me over before they leave. oh yeah they are going today to get brady and kaylynn from grandma's house.
Yesterday I hung out with Daniel. It was alright. I am not like totally into him but I know he likes me. You can just tell. And especially if he keeps asking me if I want to hangout.
Babaysitting allll day tomorrow. Yayy! :)

It was a dream

2009-04-29T11:16:00.000-07:00

Ughhh. Buut aww/yay! At the moment I am at work.. doing some more survey funness. hah. I dont think thats a word or even how to spell it. I had an interesting dream last night. I actually really enjoyed it mainly because it would never happen in real life. I had a dream that I was like telling Ward goodbye and then she actually wanted me to stay. It was supper sincere and yeahh.. that would never happen in real life. Like I honestly truly care about Ward buut of course she is how she is. She gets distracted so easily and I dont think I could handle that 24/7. I dont even think she likes me. haha. Its hard to let go and I am not doing it for dumb reasons. I do have my reasons and it makes sense to me. Maybe not to someone else considering they dont know me but they dont need to. ANNYWAY, it just bums me out.
Well, today theres not much going on. I am planning on catching up on some things. I sent Kayla's letter annnd Suzzzanne's card. hah. I love those girls sooo soos soooo much. haha. I am probably annd HOPEFULLY going to clean my room, do my laundry, finish oak harbor pictures, read my book, ANND do personal progress. Then everything else I need to do today. Which I think thats it... nope I need to do my chore and send off those lyrics. Then thats it. :)
Last night I went to the rock climbing with the youth. Now, the only reason I went was to show sister Chaney some of my songs so that I could play at her dance performance for her students. I am excited to play for it. However, I was soo uncomfortable last night. So many knots. I honestly do not feel like a part of this ward and it kind of saddens me because its my own fault. But honestly its not my fault that I felt left out.. because I was. That is without a doubt a fact. It didnt matter if they meant to or if they didnt notice. It was done. Its honestly overwhelming for me to be in a place where I know people dont want me there or even worse, they dont care about me. Its just kind of like, "Okay. What did I do to you?" But I guess they have some right because I do talk about my best friends all the time and my "precious" oak harbor. Well, your best friends already live here.. you dont have anything to complain about. Yeahh. Well, real friends would be happy for me and help me through it.. not tell me to get over it not just once but constantly. I really do understand the fact that I hurt some people when I talk about it. Thats why I have kind of stopped.. or did. Its just like why would I forget about my best friends? The people that care about me more than anyone that lives on this earth? Exactly. Thats wrong for me to do. Seriously, no one understands. All my life all I have ever wanted was to be happy. All my life I have had friends come.. and then go. Alyssa and Kayla have NEVER left. And even if they did I know that they would always come back.. always. Its so nice to know that I have people who really care about me. I dont like being here because yeah they arent here.. but also because my surroundings here in Tierrasanta.. I dont feel important. I dont feel like I am supposed to be here. Sure, maybe in La Mesa.. but not where I live. Its difficult for me to trust anyone now. Its even harder to let go. I feel like a completely different person. If people dont want to be friends with this different person then I am just fine with it because other people that are already my friends... they will love me no matter what. I honestly believe that. I am dealing with the fact that they arent here but who is here for me? Like really? I could name one... the other one.. were working on that. I am not unhappy here because I have found ways to be happy. I am only saddened by the decisions I have had to make and the people that dont care about me. I know. Like really, I can tell, most of the time. I am willing to stay here and suck it up... as long as God loves me. As long as I become closer to Him and my friends and hopefully my family. I just dont want to surround myself with gloomy and dreading people/days but I will. I refuse to be around drama but I will. I really enjoy being happy and being this different person. I dont ever want to go back, only forward. :)
Anyway, tomorrow I am hanging out with Daniel. Fun. hah. Then softball later that night. We are playing Del C. I dont know how to spell it.
I love learning and being happy and my best friends! And La Mesa friends. Annnd Him and Him. Just all of my friends. Annd my music/guitar, of course.

"Your heart is the only thing keeping me Alive..."

2009-04-26T19:49:00.000-07:00

Not really but I love this song. I wish I could compose so good. hah. One day, give it a few years. Hopefully. Anyway, I got my book yesterday... I feel like I am learning so much about myself and just.. gahh, its amazing. I swear that this is meant to be. When I was at the store it was the only book I was drawn to in that area and I picked it up and read some of it then quickly put it back... and just said "oh my gosh"... I knew like I was supposed to get it. Mom was just like "whats wrong? Are you ready?" "God spoke to me mom, and no I am not ready". I decided not to get it and then I got home and ordered it offline although it cost me like five dollars more.
So, I am still trying to pass by this Ann-Marie thing. I know its a good thing that she didnt email me back and I knew she wouldnt but I was hoping she would. All I have to say is Ugh.. but I am definitely happy. I feel a little bit more like I can move on... which is honestly all I want. I feel better about things though because I keep praying for help and distractions so I wont think about it. Its semi-working but I know he wants me to be happy and I am just going for that.
What else? Today at church, it was so nice. I enjoyed Brittany and Kate's talk. They both did awesome! Also, I realized at church, not a good thing, but I am still not a big fan of family. We went to R.S. and we had (well of course was not forced upon us) to write a 25 word letter to our families if we knew this was the last time we saw them and I just wrote "I love you. I hope God blesses all of you in your future. Be happy and laugh, for me." LAMME.
I really do feel incredibly alone... ohh that book. :)
It makes me soo happy. My favorite quote that I have stummbled upon is: "Let us all place our will on the altar of God, kneel there in silent submission, and willingly walk away." by Jeffery R. Holland? I dont remember but... ughh. What an amazing thing to ponder about. I love that. And also the other famous one "Be faithful to the things you know to be true."
Ugh. I dont think I have ever been happier. I am soooo grateful. Before, I didnt even know who I was... or even who to become. I definitely do not feel safe but secure and in my place. However, I do not want to feel alone... and thats the only thing I feel. Life is still hard but I am grateful for that too because I would never grow. I dont know what i am saying but yeah.
Today was nice. i did nothing. haha. Just played my guitar, finished up some of my songs, yay! And mom and I were looking at houses in la mesa. she really wants to move, good, me too! hah. I dont know.. I love La Mesa 2nd soo much. Its definitely not as hard to feel the spirit and such but it just feels right. Who knows. Mmm, life.
A few things are a bit bothersome right now but I will wait to see what happens and how to say any of this... gahhh. haha. This week is going to be interesting. Tomorrw-work annd I am bringing my guitar so I can go to the park and play and read my book :) then Tuesday- Work, LAX game, and then possibly hanging out with Becca. Wed- Work, maybe the park again, OR the Zoo.. the zoo sounds funner. Thur- Work, Daniel probably, Softball! :) Friday- I am still deciding if I am going to go pick up my brother and sister while I watch my dad all over my mom.. hmm no thanks. I might just stay home. With my brother. :) I love that guy. Then the weekend I have no idea. I wonder when my eye appt is.. hah. I need new perscription. Annyway. I am excited.. for life, always.
I get kayla's letter soon!!!!

Hold your hand

2009-04-25T09:39:00.000-07:00

hah, I love how like almost every time I am listening to music, the title becomes part of that. Anyway, ughh, I am tired. haha. I just woke up at nine. Last night was good. I got to see a lot of people. However, I was hoping to just hangout with Suzie. I need to talk to her annd I dont want to. hah. Its awkward for me now since like those previous events that occured. I am so bad at this. But seriously, I dont think I can do any of this. I dont know what i am going to do. Like I really want someone to be there for me but of course it never happens that way and I feel like maybe because of things that I have said, she is backing down? I am not sure but something is definitely different and I need to know. Even after everything she said, I am just confused. Maybe she changed her mind. Ughh, haha. I am really excited for her and happy for her too but like I am confused and I cant man up and say something, but I kind of did. Anywayy, I dont really want to talk about that. Soo, I am still waiting on my letter from Kayla, I really hope she didnt forget to send it, I am dying here. hah. Annd that book. I am excited to get that book. I think it will help a lot. Yes, I read the reviews. haha. Hmm, nothing really going on in life, just the friend issue. I really only have like two friends that I feel like I can kind of go to. Lindsey and somewhat Suzie and I honestly dont think i can handle loosing another friend. I just want to be close. I want somewhere to go. I dont know what I am going to do when Lindsey leaves. hah. Really. I am still going to be here, and last night it kind of sounded like Suzie doesnt really want me here. I dont know, I am really confused. Im afraid, actually. I am seriously like dying right now because I need someone so bad. I just want to talk. I dont know what to do about this ann-marie thing. Its hard to like let go... and im not sure if I ever will because we were close. This is really hard for me.. I feel like I am using the same words over and over again.
I just want to play my music even though like some songs are about ann-marie and all the people in my life. Ohh, which reminds me.. I saw Ward yesterday. she didnt talk to me... no surprise. ughh, i dont want to do this anymore, this thing called living. Yeah, i dont want to do it. hah. Wow, that brings back memories. hahha.. oh gosh, lets not. I am never going back. I want to stay right here but I need to keep going until I feel, safe. haha. That doesnt really make sense. anyway, i am not sure whats going on today. hopefully I can get a lot of things done that I have been wanting to. gahh, suzie :( its making me sad now. I dont need to be sadder. This ann-marie thing is craazzy killing me. not suzie! one day. im sure, one day. I guess last night was not it. Is it bad to get too attatched?? I dont know... GOODBYE!! :)

:(

2009-04-22T10:48:00.000-07:00

So, I just sent it. I need a hug. :(
I dont think I can do this... however, I am happy the things that I said. I felt that it was very mature and well thought through. I guess its a good thing that everything happened the way it did. It helps me to know like why He gives me trials, such as that one. I now know that its not worth it to put up with someone like that for so long (meaning being really close). And how to handle things the next time. Hopefully there will never be a next time. If there was then I have no idea what I would do. Besides what I learned from the last time. I know for sure though, that I cant ever trust anyone like I did her. I know I never will. Its always been hard for me to trust someone but even more now. I dont even trust my own mother. How is it likely that I will trust someone else? Its not. Its not that I dont want to... im just scared. That is why I am hoping that I wont need someone to do that, besides Heavenly Father because it feels safer that way and I know that He will never leave.
Anyway, still excited for the week!! I hope kayla's letter gets here soon!!! ahh. Tomorrow is softball annd I might go to Lindsey's game because I missed yesterday's. Im not for sure though. Umm, then friday I am probably going to go take the test to get my permit and Suzie! yayy. Annnd I hope I get my book soon!! Okay, im good. goodbye. :)

Starting.

2009-04-21T11:02:00.000-07:00

I just started writing an email to Ann-Marie. I know that a lot of the things that she did was yeahh.. but I also know that she was confused and is a people pleaser. She knows that a lot of things she did hurt me. Most of the things she did do was just because that is who she is. However, I think that its best to just forgive her and just move on because it really does hurt too much to even think about. Like I am just confused as to why she did a lot of the things she did. I really care about Ann-Marie, its hard for me not to care about someone. I never hated her.. just a lot of the things she did. I only think its best to continue on with my life and to not have her included. We are not enemies. Just not friends. Thats okay right? Im not sure. I honestly really can not handle being friends with her, again. She only goes back to her old ways. I dont want to get hurt. I am happy right now. Anyway, I feel this is good. At least I hope it helps me to become a better person and to move on.
I am pretty stoked for this week, I have to admit. I get my letter soon from Kayla. My book will be here this week too. Probably Friday. I get to see Lindsey at her game! Maybe, hopefully. Thursday is softball, although I suckkk now. hah. I always did but even more because I havent practiced in so long. We play my favorite ward!! yayy!! Suzie on friday! Hopefully Alesha and Jenn soon. Hmm, meeting Lindsey's sister!! yayy! Sunday, hopefully I can go to LM2. We shall see. Parents will be home this weekend, good! haha. I dont want to ask anyone to stay with and I dont want to stay alone.. at my house. Probably friday, if i study, I am going to go take my test to get my permit.
I goot noo sleep last night!! yayy! There were lots of noises everytime I was almost asleep. Fun. Even when people are home, I get scared. It was scary!! I heard like two big ones and one was like right above my head, on the wall. Gahh! Then I woke up at seven and then went back to sleep at eight and woke up at nine. hah. lovely. On the bright side I got a personal project thingy done. Anyway, I should go now. I have to work. I am at work! haha.

boyy

2009-04-21T07:18:00.000-07:00

Hot Today!! Gahh.

2009-04-20T16:59:00.000-07:00

I dread sitting at the computer desk annd also hot enough days where I cant even think straight. I guess its okay that I have a headband thing on my head like a hippie. hah. Its my sisters and its pink annd has flowers. hah. I believe it helps me to think. haha. just kidding. okay, well this weekend was good. yeah, i had my moments but overall it was good. I am commited to the lord, for now. Im just not too sure about this forgiving her... ugh. whatever. sooo other than that. I went to deseret book today and got some gifts haha. and I saw this book but I was debating on getting it because I thought it could help buuut I just decided not to but it bugged me sooo much that I bought it online like five seconds ago. hah. God speaks to me. hah. No but really, I need to just like move on I guess and what a better time than now? right? okay. well, today at work was interesting. Molly is funny. Anywayy, I dont know. I can do this. I just wish it wasnt so hard... hard alone. hah. It is though and very lonely but hopefully after.. it wont feel that way anymore. Life is good. No boys yet annd im still single but one day!! Not sure whats going on this week but its going to be good. KAYLA wrote me the other day.. my letter that is.. hopefully she does put it in the mailbox. I dont feel like waiting a year. hah. I would write more but today is one of those long days and I have to go wash my clothes. ughh. hah. Annd clean my room/chore. my room is actually staying clean. Thats good. Yeahhh. well, gooodbye. I am semi-excited for this week. yayy!!

A bit obsessed

2009-04-18T10:01:00.000-07:00

with writing blogs. morning. last night was just soo much fun. so much. riight. anyway, alesha never stopped by but its probably because it got late. thats what i think. i dont know what im doing today. hah. i dont even know if im going to be able to stay at lindsey's and there is really not anyone to call. sooo, i might just be home all weekend. which is going to suuuck. ughh. yes, ughh. i slept okay. i was scared, of course but i was fine. umm, mom called this morning. it kind of woke me up. i went to bed late so i expected to wake up later. im not babysitting. im not even sure if i am anymore. soo yeahhh. alright, well, this is this for now.
1 p.m.
sooo, looks like im staying at the house, all day. I dont want to be here. At all. Im pretty sure that no one really cares about me here. Like really, im not even part of my ward. I am only definied as a tierrasanta ward memeber because i live in this area. so what. they dont care about me, let alone call me to let me know whats going on. none of us are friends. im really upset right now. its like why didnt i just go? hmm, maybe because all the boys do there is play video games. mom goes out and hangs with pachia... and again im either alone or left out. i guess i wouldnt have felt much different either way. I dont think im going to ask anyone anymore to stay at their house. I guess im not going to church tomorrow. im not even going tonight because i cant rely on most everyone i know because one they are mad at me/dont want to be my friend or they live too far. I dont think i can do this anymore. im not even trying but why would i want to put myself in a situation where i know im going to get hurt somehow?? i already feel like crap and i just want to go home where i know people care about me. this place will never be my home. im going to go sleep now...
"no one wants me here, i guess theyve had enoough.."-guitar.
545 p.m.
I am leaving to the activity tonight. man up! yeahh. anyway, goodbye. I need to eat some food. I worked out today.. fun, fun. Tomorrow church.. ehh, not too excited. i need to go! gahh/ughh. hmm. cheer up!

Ughh,

2009-04-17T20:28:00.000-07:00

Guess what im doing?... yeahhh. im reading emails from and to ann-marie. i found one that i wrote (over a year ago):
"to tell you that im not trying to hurt you. obviously, its never my intention to hurt you.. im just letting you know how i feel because thats what good friends do to help develop a better relationship. I just want you to be there, you know... sometimes i know you cant or you have other things thats why i try not to ask or i try not to period. I always feel like im taking you away from your work and your family and thats not what i want. Its kinda like that when were at YW too.. remember that time when we were sewing and diane was being.. well, in her moods. yeah mom told me what you said about how you didnt know what to do but you needed to be with the other girls... i understand i really do (deleted)... you cant and so now when were with the YW i give you your space so you can get to know the other girls and ill just hangout with someone else. I think i told you that before but if i didnt then i wrote it in that other email thats saved as a draft that you never ever read when i wanted you to.. which is fine.. ill probably just delete it. hah. its not important. i just honestly feel like you dont want me there... and i do understand. i never know what to think anymore because i want you to be there and i want you do all of these things but you cant... idk where im going with this. but yeah im NOT trying to hurt you at all and im sorry if i am in any way. there are things that you need to know and recognize... and mainly things YOU need to express because it helps."

annd she wrote:
"im sorry for everything. i [am] not trying very hard right now and im sorry. its not you or anything about you. alysha had her baby this morning and so im kind of down even though i am excited for her. does that make sense. i know that doesn't explain lately but that explains right now. so right now at this very moment i am down. debbie that comes to see sam on fridays even made the comment what was wrong. im just in a very downer mood. i am sorry for everything again."

shes soo good at changing the subject into her problems but it was a place to go soo i heard her talk about... a lot of things. ughh, "i agree only between us. you are the only one anyways that i can talk...." sure ann-marie, sure. im so dumb. i knew, i knew, thats all i have to say.
Later:
annd there it is. that one email.... i hate her, soo much. hah. i dont care what people say.. they dont even know her like i do, annd i know her like i know how to spell my first name. they dont know what happened. never will.
i cant do this. im sad. someone.. delete these emails. also, i found that super long email in my drafts that i was going to send to her but i didnt. memories... what hurts the most is that like i trusted her and she just went and told mom everything! and that was like the only place i could go to and now i have nowhere to go but my room. mmm, yeah. and funny because she wasnt planning on tell me she told mom but she did it anyway. when i confronted her she played dumb and pretended like she didnt know what i was talking about. then she was upset because mom told me. she got mad at my mother for something she did! mom told me not to tell her and i wasnt planning on it but i went to her house the day after and hung. assuming that she would say something and i tried to make my way to her telling me that she told me. nope. nothing. so i asked her why she told my mom and wasnt planning on telling me? thats when she got mad. she never, ever considered my feelings and to think that she was my 'friend'. okay. well, 'friend' friends dont do that or anything that you said/did to me. ever! never... and mom wasnt planning on telling me either. because we cried a lot that night and i was telling her everything then ann-marie came up and i told her and she told me that she already was told that and that lead to other questions and assumptions. i hate ann-marie!! always, always... always. who does that?! ann-marie does that. you would think that mom would tell her off or something but nope.. my mom just continued to talk to her. never considering my feelings either. she didnt know how much like i was hurting or anything. she didnt even ask. to this day they are still friends. yup. it still hurts, i guess.. but i cant tell her who can and can not be her friend. annnd again, i dont have anyone to talk to.. cause i cant annd because i just dont have any of that.
i dont feel better... im not the kind of person to talk bad about someone to make me feel better. im just sad. really sad. and my eyes hurt and my throat hurts. annd im only making it worse but i guess now is better than later cause no ones home, besides me. and no one reads this, but me. amen. im scared right now. maybe i could sleep at alesha's if she shows up... i dont know. i just know that i need/want to feel better. thats all. i want suzie! haha. make me feel better.

Still Friday

2009-04-17T19:57:00.000-07:00

I think that the not being in oak harbor thing is hitting me now. For some reason it always comes like super late. I havent eaten anything all day but im not hungary. I feel silly writing this because I just want to talk about how i feel because im pretty bummed right now, still confused. i need to be with my kayla... i need a hug. i need my lyssa... i need to laugh cause all of mine are fake so far [today]. i need kayla to talk to. i need lyssa to take me on an adventure. i need someone to come pick me up, right now! i need someone to cheer me up because my guitar isnt doing the trick. hah. it never does but it helps to an extent. i need to be happy but cant because im sad, too sad, crying sad. i need somewhere to go.. right now. i dont want to be alone tonight... but its more likely that i will be. okay, i can deal.
'i miss you
and thats hard for me to say
but i miss you, i miss you anyway
tonight im kind of lonely, kind of sad
seeking for that shoulder i used to have
and against all odds their less likely to care
so it most likely wont be there'
again.. i know.

F.

2009-04-17T12:50:00.001-07:00

F for frrantastic! haha. So, my little brother and sister are gone to Utah to be with my grandma. My mom and brother are leaving to go to Arizona here pretty soon. I am home.. alone.. again, pretty soon. haha. I think I just need to get used to it. I am not sure if I am babysitting tomorrow or not. Hopefully. Soooo, my orientation gave me good insight on the ceremony and its at ten a.m.! I am happy! Now I can go to Helix's graduation.
Umm, ive been thinking a lot about after graduation. I really want Alyssa and Kayla to come afterwards. I am hoping that we could all do something after graduation. I was thinking either like disneyland or something nice. Only its basically my graduation gift to them. I dont want them to pay for anything. I just have to figure out details and figure out if they could come. It would probably be in July after girls camp. Maybe for a week, just depending on when school starts for Kayla cause I dont think Alyssa was going to go the first year. Hmm, so many decisions. I bought some birthday cards today and an extra for kayla once she writes me back. hah. I guess it kind of came up because I would like my best friends to be friends or closer.. but also I want them to meet my friends here and vice-versa.
Softball last night was nice. I didnt play cause I got there semi-late. PLUS tierrasanta had twenty-six people playing, from what I heard. Sooo it was pretty obvious that I was not needed. Although, I got some dirty looks, but some nice greetings. Still confused with friends. Which ones are true and which ones are.. well, not. I dont think that its fair to exclude people from my life because I believe they are "pretending" or whatever it is I believe they are doing. However, I do not want to surround myself with those kind of people mainly because I just want to be happy and happy to me means being happy with also my friends. I am not quite sure how to explain it but I guess a better way to put it would be drama free. Sure its okay if its rare occasions but I dont want it constantly. Enough of that.
I have also been thinking a lot about what I want to do in life. I know what I want to do in life but I want to keep my job so I have been considering like going into business and owning my own place that still involves like music. I was thinking something like Soma. A place where people could go to play their music but not just the big people but local people too. I dont know its just a thought. There was another one but I kind of forgot.. guess it wasnt that important. hah. just kidding. I thought it was kind of cool. It could also give me that opportunity to do what I really would like to do. Or own a recording studio but thats not really a business unless I used it that way... I just want to learn how everything works. Oh yeahh... haha I was thinking (and its totally off the subject of music) like owning a card company. Ive always liked creativity and cards. haha. Who knows. I just know that I want to do great things in life because I only have one.
UNTIL TONIGHT....
3 p.m.
I am sooo bored. My mom is super grumpy because my brother didnt clean the house. And now shes upstairs sleeping.. or attempting to sleep. My brother is pretty upset as well and is laying on the couch sleeping, almost. I want to go play catch. hah. They arent going to arizona anymore. I dont even know if im babysitting tomorrow. Gahh. Also, I found a softball thats ann-maries. niiice. I was supposed to go to Alesha's but shes not texting me back and it takes at least 45-60 minutes to walk toh er house. it takes 25 to walk to serra and from there her house is 20-35 minutes. Larissa of course called once but hasnt called back and i dont feel like doing anything about it. I hate it when everyone is upset. Im going to go work out! haha. something, anything. I want to go to the guitar center... :(
320 p.m.
Sooo.. i guess they decided to go. mom decided that she did want to go and they left. sooo I am home alone, bored. probably staying here tonight. kind of a bummer but whatever. Alesha says that its her mom's birthday and I knew that but she has to get her a gift and if she really wanted to hangout then she would have asked for me to come with her. Ughh.. seriously, so much drama. even though its like none im not used to it. I hate it. haha. Annd she could just bring them to me. and she wont. shes probably been using them which is not a big deal but its just irratating to know that she is pretending.. sometimes you can just tell and i can tell. this i am not assuming. it hurts. like ive lost so many friends this year.. they find that i am different then what they expect and then they pretend like we were never friends. people get tired of me. i could understand that. im trying to regain by thinking about my true friends and how much they care about me. buut honestly i would rather be in washington. what do i do? the only people that are closest friends are lindsey and suzie but both seem to get tiresome of being around me, were not that close either. annd they live too far away to walk. i just want somewhere to go. thats what ive always wanted. i had that. i did. but all that is somewhere else and im not going back. hah. ughh. im sad. haha. and theres no use in crying or anything like that because it does nothing.. it cant take me to my safe place. it cant give me friends who know me, who love me, who care about me just as much as i do them. it cant bring my best friends here right now. if it did i would cry all the time! no probably not but just when i need it. i remember that when i first got back from washingon a few weeks ago. Soo many things were rushing through my head. i just thought about how much i wanted/needed them here. asking myself why am i here? mom asked me how it was and i just started crying. a lot. haha. you know when you cry hard enough you start to do that weird hiccup thing? yeahh. thats what happened. it didnt bring me my friends. haha. i just feel alone. like no one wants me here. even though some say but i want someone to take care of me and they never will because im almost an adult and all that time as a dependant i wasted trying to be independant. ive never felt close to Him... ever. Alone. Mom always tells me that im not but how can i not feel this way when i know its true? im not willing to let anyone in enough to where i fully feel like i have someone but even though i havent i still feel close to like kayla and alyssa. annd look where they live. not here. yupp. i cant write a decent song right now and soo thats when i decide. :(
annywayy, im bored. I wish i could drive. i wish i had keys. i would go somewhere. by myself sure. larissa says shes picking me up at 430 to go to the studio. sooo mmm yeah. im just soo upset right now and dont understand. i wish everyone could just be honest. i dont know what to do. im not so motivated to do anything. really.
420 p.m.
i cant do this. i dont want to be here. they will never care for me enough.. ever. im bummed and like really sad. i hate this. how could such a great day go bad? it will pass..
722 p.m.
well, i went to the studio and it was good. i had fun watching however, i still feel like craapp. i am waiting for alesha to come over and give me my cds. which will probably be at like nine. i dont think im babysitting tomorrow. ugh. on the bright side im writing another new song. though its not a good one. sure its alright but not good by the message. maybe when i get to the chorus. i dont know. i guess i am going to go to sleep. yeaahh...

"i miss you
and thats hard for me to say
but i miss you, i miss you anyway
tonight im kind of lonely, kind of sad
seeking for that shoulder i used to have
and against all odds their less likely to care
so it most likely wont be there"

Thursday

2009-04-16T11:32:00.000-07:00

I need to stop being so paranoid. I just deleted some pieces of my blog, i said too much in a public area...? anyway. thats all i needed to get off my chest. I need to be calm. hah. Today is going to be good. Kind of scared but excited all the same. Oh, and i did survive being alone. I just got over it. Have soo many things to do today. I miss kayla. alyssa too. gahh! Mm, work. :)
Give it a few years..
Also, i love writing on here because its like cheating myself into thinking that people will read it but then there is that sense that really wont. annnd they dont. haha. I think its a win win situation. :)
Annnd, i might just get off work at two since i am almost done with my project thingy. Then i can clean my room and do my chore. I was going to do it last night but I was on all day and I got too lazy/scuurred. hah. Also, I need to stop by the school (charter) to return her phone call.. since I never got a chance to call back. Hopefully my teacher is there. I went in the other day and she wasnt there. hah. Yeah, two should be good. I also need to study for my dmv test, again. hah. ughh, soo much. I am thankful though. I like to keep busy. Productive days are always the best days of the week.

I

2009-04-16T01:13:00.000-07:00

need to really sleep. I am pretty freaked out right now. i dont want to talk about it. anyway, ive been doing some digging and discovering soo many things that are definitely not good. mainly because i get frustrated and so many questions come to mind... and of course they are the kind that do not get answered. my teeth are sore. i did like a million videos (three). its 1:15am and i work in like nine hours but i wake up in six? hmm. i havent really decided anything from the last post. i like typing. hah. i have a journal but i dont remember to write in it. i just dont like the feeling of it being open to the people in my family and other people... not really. i dont know.
sooo i am thinking about like ann-marie and that other lady. haha. i dont know why but it frustrates me like that so many things are kept from me about her. sure i said that i dont want to hear anything about her but when it invovles me.. unless its good then i dont want to hear about it. good being she wants to talk to me.. yeah i dont want to know that. im better off avoiding it. okay, im done like talking about this. the other lady. haha. im just confused because she says one thing but totally goes off and does the other.
these really arent trials at all. well, grandpa is in the (or was) in the hospital, he got his leg removed because of blood clots. I think that they thought he had blood clots in his lungs but i dont think he did, which is sooo good!! its mom's dad. good guy.
i am excited for softball tomorrow but at the same time.. i just dont want to go anymore. hah. im scared but of course thats not going to stop me from going. still no email, im sad. hah. i hope that everything is okay. like really. but at the same time i dont think i can deal with it. not now. hmm, yuppp.
ive been on here forever. ughh. not good. especially considering im in front of one all day at work. ohh work! so good!! i love it more than ever now. who knows why. its great. I am getting around to really getting know more people in the office. i dont want my internship to end. which reminds me.. mom wants to move. depending on if i continue to live with my rents then im moving too. not far. just to a different ward. mom doesnt like our ward either. i dont think anyone really does. i mean sure she and i both like a few people but we both have the same feelings towards this specific ward. anyway, work.. yeah i dont know its weird because i feel like no one is aware of me at the office. im just the extra. its a bit bothersome but other than that its great! i enjoy working.
ohhh life. not too bad. im happy.. just scared at the moment and i have to go to the bathroom but im too scared. hahaha.
oh yeah.. i have orientation tomorrow for graduation and such. then softball. annd i have work. tomorrow is kind of a big day. then friday i am hanging out with larissa all day and then sometime during our hangout i have to drop by alesha's house to grab my cds that i left at her house when i last spent the night (which was months ago). yeah, she has my demi lovato cd and paramore cd (all we know is falling). hopefully they arent damaged. then i am probably spending the night at larissa's since i have to babysit saturday and also because my family is going to arizona this weekend. then saturday hopefully i am staying at lindsey's house then church sunday. if not then.. i have no idea what i am going to do. ughhh.
okay, i need to sleep!! my teeth still hurt and disney channel is on. hopefully i will be just fine! i love my friends...

Good Enough

2009-04-15T18:13:00.000-07:00

Kind of lonely right now. haha. I set up my laptop and I named it too. hahaha. Anyway, just thoughts, I suppose. hah. I am not quite sure what to do. I cant write a new song, or finish the five I do have because I was playing/singing last night and my entire mouth hurt sooo bad afterwards. yeah, i regreted that, a bit. I didnt so much however because I had a nice tune and after yesterday I had lots on my mind, i was confused. sooo, i started to write a song. I need new strumming techniques because my hands can only do like three. hah. It takes time, i know. haha. Anyway.. yeah so I am pretty bummed that i cant really write any new songs until my mouth gets better... and on friday i am supposed to be going to a studio and sing/play because Larissa wants some of her buddies to hear me and such. I love Larissa. She is such a great friend besides a few habbits but of course we all have our flaws. so, i accept. shes one of my favorites.
Hmm, yeah. Church. yeah, lets talk church. Since my recent trip to oak harbor... i have realized that my decisions/actions do impact other people around me. kayla kind of showed me this... and funny because our theme this year is to be an example (of the believers). i want to be closer to Him but like I have always lacked on a lot of things and its like im never good enough. No, its more that I cant.. do it.. because of my own personal trails and reasons.. yeah, good reasons. good reasons are never an excuse. i know that. i am going to go though! I feel that i will be ready like after i continue to go. Its just hard. like to sit there and listen to people and you swear that they are talking about you. i guess you can say that its a bit shameful. i dont know for me it kind of is. not shameful of what i believe in but just how/the decisions i make are. all that. i really want someone that will come with me and just be there for me through it because i need to. gahh, its going to be such a long process and He is the only person on my side at this point and im not sure that i can do it.. but i am going to. i have to. really, i do. i cant live like this!! hahaha. like what? exactly. i guess im good for now.. save the rest for the later days.
i guess i am confused like with my 'friends'. I dont know. this is what i was kind of confused about yesterday.. like all day long. first at the beginning of the day and then somewhere near the end. its hard to decipher. im not sure who is really commited to being my friend. i care about all of mine. do they care about me, really? i know she does but why is it that i get this akward tense between us? im not willing. like, i cant do this and she wants to but i cant. im sorry. then her and her tricky ways. she pretends like she cares about me but doesnt even say hi to me but says hi to my mom. i guess i have learned that its better to confront situations then let it settle for too long. its never healthy. I just wish i learned that a lot earlier like with trahan. she never talks to me anymore. i hate that. i dont know, i just dont want to lose anymore friends. maybe one of those girls is okay but i dont like pretenders... not after that one "friend" that everyone has heard sooo many times. anyway, thats the one thing thats bothering me most right now...
gahhh, email me already!! not you. What to doo..?
"But there are certain people you love who do something else; theydefine how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These arethe most important people in your life, and you'll meet maybe four orfive of these people over the span of 80 years. But there's still onemore tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomesthat definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it alwayshappens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets thetemplate for what you will always love about other people, even if someof these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. Youwill remember having conversations with this person that never actuallyhappened. The person is real,and the feelings are real- but you create the context. And context iseverything. The person who defines your understanding of love is notinherently different than anyone else, and they're often just theperson you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want tolove someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose.Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel abouteveryone else."- Chuck Klosterman

thats cool. amen. baby jesus! hahahaha. oh my gosh, the things that come to my mind. that felt familar. until another hour. im sure.

Two things:

2009-04-15T15:46:00.001-07:00

My family just left for Vegas because my mom doesnt have a babysitter for two weeks soooo.. my grandma is going to meet her there (she lives in mt. pleasant, utah). WHO IS GOING TO MAKE ME FOOD (my teeth are soorre)!?! Just kidding buut I am probably going to be alone tonight... scary. I need to be brave! They are leaving this weekend to Arizona too.. soo no idea what I am doing. haha. Staying home alone.
Anyway, second... I JUST GOT MY LAPTOP!!!! That I paid for. Its a mini laptop (or netbook) but thats what I wanted and its got like everything but lacks a cd-rom drive but i can get an external one for like 50 but i dont need it yet. And its ruby red and has a built in webcam. I am super stoked. annd microsoft 2007 and i think its vista.. which i dont like too much. Anyway, super excited. Softball tomorrow. :)

Guitar.

2009-04-14T20:36:00.000-07:00

Heyyy! This is my song Guitar. Yeah, the song that I have told many times that I was going to be putting up to show you guys. Sorry about the wait, I am sure you dont mind too much. Anyway, I kind of try to describe the making of the song, in my opinion, in the video.. just so it doesnt cause you too much pain to read this blog. I am not so sure about this recording.... dont judge the song too much from this one because yeahhh, its not great, at all. haha. I mess up a lot but its the best you can have, for now. Also, I pause lots, sorry in advance. Other than that, I hope you enjoy it. This song truly means a lot to me. I love you. Oh, sorry about the end, I was watching it earlier and I totally forgot about it. hahaha. I am weird, I know. I even say it in my song, basically.

FACT: Arianna is currently writting five new songs, at once (Hide-n-seek, Should I settle or should I fight?, I will wait here, See you again, and untitled song)!! Prrooo. Just kidding (that is definitely not a fact!)

:)

2009-04-10T15:54:00.000-07:00

Glimpse of what I have been working on:

So, I tried to put more songs up on this blog but I think that for some reason it wont work that way. Maybe later. Enjoy this one!! its my favorite unwritten song out of the four I have. I say number three in this video because it was the third song out of three songs I recorded.

This song is called Home. It was of course inspired by Oak Harbor, which is do consider 'home'. For so many reasons. Its probably my favorite unwritten song right now and its a positive song so that is ALWAYS good!!

MY SONG GUITAR IS STILL ON THE WAY...! I promise. haha.

Oak Harbor trip (review)

2009-04-07T21:39:00.000-07:00

Well, this trip helped me realize all sorts of things. Then coming back made me realize everything i recognized i need to do.. i dont want to. hah. Like church.. i feel like i just need to start over because I do want the Lord on my side but then again... I am still confused and just not ready. I realize that my actions can affect other people's decisions. Kayla showed me this. hah. Its like i want to but i dont want the help of other people. They shouldnt know anything... why would they need to? Then i think of one certain person who is trying to reach out to me and im sure they know who they are.. but honestly i really just cant do it. I am so used to being self-reliant now and ive made that mistake too many times to be dependant of someone else. Its not that i dont want to.. its just more that i cant trust anyone with my personal life. Like personal personal life. i know that i am supposed to look to heavenly father for this but i dont because of my own personal reasons that are between us two. Lets just say that i have been through so much since i have been here in san diego and i am not willing to take such a risk in trusting one more person with burdens of mine. Its not fair. Anyway, I also learned something kind of harsh. I learned that not everyone is going to be interested in what i want to do in life. For some reason that bothers me. haha. Its not that i want them to know its more that i want them to be interested and curious. Funny, huh? I love Oak Harbor, thats another lesson learned. I dont think i can live here anymore. I dont want to keep avoiding. I want to get out of here. I needed to get away.. and it was nice. this is how i truthfully feel. I have what like three good friends here? They live far away. hah. and one lives closer but doesnt make the best decisions. What do you want from me? one of the best parts: Kayla and I are going to write letters to eachother for now on since i dont have a cell phone and she works lots. Anyway, I have decided that i am married... to my best friends and my guitar. hah. I want to be myself and only parts of me are afraid to fully be myself. Other than that.. i dont care what people think about me. I have friends who care about me and love me for me... why should i care if someone doesnt like me because im annoying (hah), it could happen. I know that He loves me. I just need to start over... but I know its going to be difficult but I need to. Its just like how can I when I dont have them?? Or.. yeah, never mind. Thank you soo much KAYLA AND ALYSSA!! My best friends!!! gahhh!! One day, again. I know you care about me just as much as i do and just that thought makes me unconditionally happy. I love you. I love all of you, actually.

Oak Harbor 'journal' April :) (not revised, hah)

2009-04-07T21:06:00.000-07:00

Saturday:
Today was my trip to Oak Harbor. So many emotions at once. Mmm, waited so long. Anyway, well I enjoyed my trip over and it really did not take too long for my arrival in Oak Harbor. I didnt realize that the shuttle was a big van. hah. I ended up meeting someone that used to work at the high school. It was nice. I was texting both Alyssa and Kayla on the way. We ended up taking the ferry which was somewhat expected. I decided to buy some food because I was basically starving. I was so nervous. Like just so many memories that I was forced to leave behind. When I finally got to Oak Harbor, I was soo happy. I wanted to go see Kayla right away because she had told me she was working and cleaning. It was right across the street and I still had a muffin that I was planning on giving her. So, I walked over to the cinnema with all my bags and my guitar. I walked inside and told the lady that I was looking for Kayla and come to find out... she didnt start working until later that night. I was soo suprised. I was so curious as to why she would lie to me about working. i mean sure, it sounds silly to get upset because she lied about working. I didnt really care if she wasnt. Anyway, I tried to talk to her more about it but it just seemed like she didnt want anything to do with me although she said she wanted to hangout buut sure enough, shes not talking to me. You know, from me previous experiences in San Diego.. I dont care anymore. Like, I honestly can not deal with people who pretend to be friends when they really dont even care about you. I am pretty positive that we are not going to hangout. Such a great way to start off. Anyway, Alyssa picked me up :) I LOVE MY BEST FRIEND!!! Seeing her and hanging out, nothing else really matters to me. I dont want to go back to San Diego. This is like home to me. Well, later we went to the movies with a few people. Guess what we saw?? A haunting in Conneticiut. I sacrificed 10 bucks to see it. Well, I didnt watch any of it. And even though I didnt, I was still scared that night and was sweating sooo bad because I was so afraid. hah. Its just the unfamilar place... I know ive stayed before but it was different this time. Its been too long. Anyway. Today was satisfying.
Sunday:
Alyssa had to work most of the day today. I tried to get Kayla to hangout but she said that she was sick and wanted to rest. If thats the truth then I could understand. Well, my brother and I ended up hanging out. We went out to eat but he said that he had other plans so I was had no idea what to do for the rest of the day. Anyway, well, we ate annd then yeah I played a terrible trick on lyssa's sister, Kayla (its a different Kayla). I pretended that I was like some creepy stalker but funny thing is she does have those but I freaked her out. Oops. hah. Afterwards we went to the Market place so that I could give Lyssa the other half of my sandwich that I could not eat. Then we went to the pet store, just cause. hah. I ended up coming back to the house and tried to figure some things out about next week and then I played some rock band for the first time. I enjoyed it. Lyssa got home at 8. We sort of talked and then watched a movie/ate ice cream. Then I fell asleep. haha. Fun!! I wasnt so scared that night. I was A-Okay!
Monday:
Today was Lyssa's first day off. I guess it was just one of those lazy days. hah. We woke up a bit late this morning. We went out to eat at Subway into town, then ate at city beach. Of course it was freezing and it was very windy. hah. We ended up getting out of the car and walking for like three minutes at the most. It was too cold to bear. We then decided to go to the pet store. hah. For the second time for me. but it never gets old. Then we ended up going to Dustan's house, the boyfriend. We hungout there for quite a while. Mm. Then we went back home and he came over later. We mostly hungout and tried to figure out what we were going to do the next day.
Tuesday:
Second day off and we were planning on going to the mall but instead we ran erronds most of the day. We woke up again, late. We decided to go to the donut house in Anacortes, so we did and then we drove around a bunch. It was nice, actually. When we got back home Dustan got here and we just watched an old movie, mask. Later that night we decided to go see a movie, we saw confessions of a shopoholic. It was semi-good. haha. A little weird but it was decently funny. We drove back home after that any kind of went straight to bed. Fun.
Wednesday:
Last day off until monday for Lyssa. So today.. was supposed to be another day together and we were planning on going to the mall. We went but her boyfriend came along. Dont get me wrong. I totally understand and didnt mind at the time.. but then later on i realized that once again I was the third wheel. That is the thing I hate most. Although, did learn plenty today. I learned that I will never be number one in anyone's book until I finally find someone in the romantic era. However, of course its what i want more than anything but at the same time its just difficult and honestly just hard for me to do. I only want it to be real and all that good stuff. Ughh. I feel that I have tried to replace this so called "empty" hole with my guitar. Like I really do feel like its the only thing that will never turn on me. Its unexplainable the feelings I get when I play/sing/write. Its my life. It will continue to be my life. I honestly dont feel like anyone will ever fill that spot because I refuse to marry anyone that I just dont have feelings for. Sure, some people do it but I am not one of those people. Just so many realizations... I hate this feeling. I am always the third wheel and it feels awful. However, I am trying. Its hard, for sure. Anyway, yeah we went to the mall and other places I bought two new dresses for church, because I need to go then I bought a purple jacket, its pretty awesome, and lastly I bought this little cardigan thing. Alyssa bought nothing. hah. Ugh, this is really hard. Of course Kayla has not gotten a hold of me yet and I am just really tired of those kind of friends. I dont know what to say. Well, just more hanging out tonight. Also, last night I freaked out. hah. I was dreaming, a semi-good dream, and Alyssa turned over and started talking to me in her sleep. I was just like "alyssa, what are you talking about" and she kept talking to me. It really scared me. I couldnt go back to sleep after that. haha. I woke her up eventually but it was hard to fall back asleep. hah. Anyway, I am sticking to my music. So many songs are going to come from this trip...
Thursday:
Only so many days left and I still feel like Alyssa and I have not really gotten the chance to hangout, like really hangout, just us. This is hard. So many things. Just the fact that all these emotions are coming back like when my mom is with one of her friends and then its me. Then the part where they always treat me differently when other people they favor more are around. Then theres that, love. Romantic love. The one thing that will never come for me. Things like that dont happen to people like me, ever. Why does life have to be soo compilcated. Im not ashamed, never, just confused. Anyway, today was kind of another one of those days and I hate myself for letting it get to me. I shouldnt act this way well, because it takes the fun out of everything. Well, Alyssa and I woke up about ten-ish. We kind of just sat around and took our time getting ready for the day. We ended up making some cookies, or shortbread. haha. Then Alyssa reminded me that she had three hours left. Dustan came over a few minutes after that. I just feel like we havent had any time together. I mean yesterday she took the day off to hangout with me and it was almost as if I wasnt even there. I really do like dustan but I would like some time with my best friend. I just feel soo crappy today and its really hard because I know he is probably coming back tomorrow or tonight. Its just hard and I am really trying to just get over it, but again, hard. Anyway, so I finally decided to text Kayla and I got her to hangout with me tomorrow!! Gahh, I need a hug right now too though. Im just confused about friends right now. i dont think i will ever feel like someone will care for me as much as I do them, i love my friends. I am better off playing my music. I want to sing and play and get this off my chest. Anyway, I am excited to hangout with Kayla tomorrow. Hopefully that goes well, I am pretty nervous. Im tired of getting hurt. It just gets old. Umm, well Alyssa left for work and im just hanging out. Im going to clean my area and whatnot.
Friday:
Today was great! Today was my day to hangout with Kayla. First alyssa and I went to the beach by cranberry lake. Finally, we took some pictures. Seriously that was like the first time ever during my trip. hah. hopefully we will take more later on. Then we were unsure of what to do to waste time because I was supposed to be at Kayla's by three. Well, alyssa had to go into work a bit earlier so I was dropped off at like two-thirty. Kayla was still getting ready and when she came downstairs she gave me a great big hug!! :) I miss that. hah. No one can ever replace. Anyway, we were planning on going to the movies at three-fourty. We ended up going over to someone's house to feed their cat and then we made it to the theatre like super early. It was okay though because I met some pretty awesome people! hah. Since Kayla works at the theatre we didnt have to pay. Sweet! haha. We watched Monsters vs Aliens, it was funny. Gahh, I missed Kayla soo much. It was just difficult because well, I was still confused as to why the previous events had occured. Anyway, afterwards we went Dairy Queen to visit Shelbey, that was fun. Then to applebees and again, kayla paid. I feel so weird when people pay for me but she wouldnt let me. hah. Umm, then miles showed up... awww. haha. Kayla is super cute. hah. Well, then after that we went back to her house and kind of just hungout for a while. We were debating on what to do because we were going to go to girls night but miles wanted us to go bowling at ten. We ended up going bowling.. soo much fun. Great bonding moments! hah. Annd we went to movie night. Yeah, we did both in one night. Movie night for the girls was just a thing that her boss likes to do for just the girls at the theatre after all the movies are over. It was nice. we watched pride and prejuduce. It was about three when we got home. hah. What a day. One of the best. haha. I dont want to leave now. I know that Kayla cares about me, i knew that all along. I was just confused. she really is a great friend, one of my best. :)
Saturday:
Only so many days left. Well, today was a semi-good day. I spent most of the time waiting for my brother to call because we were supposed to hangout. He said at one, it was one-thirty and i called. Then he said that he would call in about an hour because his car was being fixed, etc. Sooo, I kind of just hungout around Kayla's house. haha. I played my guitar lots today. Outside. haha. It was nice today. Anyway, Kayla had a meeting at ten this morning then I saw her at like eleven-thirty. Then she had to go back to work at noon until four. Well, I ended up falling asleep at two-thirty waiting for my brother to call and then finally Kayla got home and she encouraged me to call him again. Sooo, I did and he said he was almost done and would call at like six. I then called again to see if it would be okay if Kayla could bring me. Yeahh. Six-thirty came around and I just texted him and said to call me later on tomorrow. I wanted to watch confrence today but that didnt happen. hah. Maybe tomorrow. Well, Kayla and I ended up going to one of her mom's friend's house for dinner, they invited us. Of course Kayla is a bit stubborn haha but we ended up leaving so that I could go back to Alyssa's to pick up some clothes for tomorrow. Kayla and I talked a lot. I missed her.. gahh!! I really just dont want to leave. Its nice to know that people care so much about me... as much as I care about them. Like seroiusly its like one of the best feelings, ever! hah. Anyway, after that we went to DQ mainly because shelbey was working but also because I had a gift card from my birthday that I NEVER used. hah. Or even thought about using. We kind of met up with Miles. Kayla is super cute. hah. Later on her mom kind of got mad because we must have forgotten to tell her where we were, although Kayla swears she told her mom. Anyway, we went back to her house and hungout and talked and had soooo much fun. We played twenty questions with miles and kayla kept asking me what to ask. You know, ive been thinking a lot... mainly about like how my friends have boyfriends and such and drama in high school. I dont understand why most dont realize that boys are going to come, and then they are going to go... I am never going to leave. I love my friends more than anything, even though it should never be like that.. but I do and being here makes me realize a lot of things that I never quite understood or even thought about. My guitar (kind of random, I know) plays a huge role in my life.. ive realized that not everyone is going to praise my dreams, etc but I do know that my guitar is always going to be there when I need it. Its hard because I know that I replace that with friends... and funny, before I came here.. I knew that I would choose my guitar over my friends. I dont want to be alone. hah. I am fine with it but never would I want to be alone. Anywayy, I have no idea what I am trying to say.. so I will stop now. I love you Kayla. Too much. haha.
Sunday:
My last day with Kayla!!! gahhh. haha. Well, I am not watching confrence today. Antonio and I are going out to eat, who knows where. I woke up at like ten-ish and come to find that my brother already texted me at like nine telling me in an hour to lets hangout. I texted him back telling him I just woke up and about to get in to shower, etc. I got ready and he waited outside in his care for me. We ended up going back to Mitzels because most other places were packed. It was good food and I paid! YEAH! hah. I just got paid the other day and have more money now but yeah. Afterwards we went to wallgreens and then rite aid? For strange reasons. We talked more about moving out and if I were to move in with him after graduation. He told me he would give me his car after graduation... riiight. haha. I need one though. I need a lot of things. Like money. hah. He had to go somewhere so I came back to Kayla's house and she was getting ready for the day. It was such a nice day today! haha. Kayla finally got ready and still had too much homework to complete before school tomorrow. I tried to help her do some govenerment but of course she got sick of it... soo... we decided to go to the beach and walk around.. and wait for miles. hah. It was nice. We took pictures, some.Oh yeah.. i left my camera at Mitzels.. we ended up going to get it but we werent even sure if it was there. It was.. gahh, good! haha. Anyway, after the beach we were driving and saw miles, he never showed up. He said he was working on the balloons they were making. Anyway, ughh, I know.. but we went to Wendy's for like ten minutes because Kayla had to work at six. Well, it was like ten minutes to six and we came back to the house. She left and I just hung out with her little sister. we watched johnny lingo and then marley and me. hah. Kayla got home about nine-thirty. Her mom got on her about her homework and sooo I tried to help Kayla with some of it. hah. Of course it was impossible to do all of it but we finished some. Then it was bedtime! We talked a lot tonight, and laughed. Gahh!!! I dont want to leave, EVER! Anyway we finally fell asleep... end.
Monday/Tuesday:
Last day... :( I bought my ticket to come back in June! haha.
Back to Ann-Marie drama/stupid stupid drama. Complications... regrets. I didnt miss it. Anyway, today was a great day. Connie Soptich came over and we walked around lots haha. It was nice to catch up on life and to talk. haha. We got done and I kind of just hungout at Kayla's house until she got home from school. i played the piano and my guitar. I couldnt figure out how to fix the tv sooo I just found something else to do. Alyssa came to get me after school to go back to her house. I waited for Kayla because I felt that would be the right thing to do and because I dont think i could leave without saying goodbye. I have the best friends. Anyway, Lyssa and i did sooo much today!! we first went to dq to get some nice blizzards cause it was super nice outside. then we went to cranberry lake then to the beach by cranberry. After that we went to go scope out the upside down tree in anacortes. Apparently my brother lives by it. We had a hard time trying to find it so we decided to go eat! haha. i finally paid for something. Well, i paid for breakfeast yesterday. anyway, we went to the market to get some energy drinks cause we were super tired. we didnt drink them at that moment, it was just for later. then we conintued to search for the tree and we drove most everyone. I finally decided to call my brother because no one knew and my brother wasnt texting me back. He told us where it was and we went to go see it. its creepy. its behind a cemetary and such. Interesting. Well, after that we went to deception pass to watch the sunset. :) Though, it did get really cold and we kind of wimped out and went to the car. hah. we watched most of it from the car, it was nice and warm. Well, we went back to her house and ate some food. We watched tv when dustan got there. I drank some of that drink and really did feel awake quickly. Alyssa was starting to get really tired so we went to lay down. i couldnt go to sleep sooo i just stayed up until i had to get up because it was only like midnight that i needed to get up to get ready. i was really scared. haha. anyway, well i was ready about 1240 so I got on the computer and then Kayla got home. hah. We kind of talked until antonio came to get me. my shuttle came to get me at 220. it was actually nice. i tried to sleep and such but it was discomforting. umm, we transfered buses in mt. vernon and yeah. it was nicer and lots bigger. I got to the airport at 445 but the counter didnt open until 5. not like there were lots of people at that airline anyhow. well, i bought a sweater. haha. thats like the only place they sell seattle things. Then I bought a book and some breakfeast. My plane took off and landed in san fransico. Come to find out that my flight was delayed (i found out later). It was delayed until one-ish. Anyway, I bought lunch and a snack, pah. Went to my gate and waited forever. umm, i was texting everyone. hah. almost. kayla, lyssa, miles, and mom. not everyone. hah. anyway, i finally got to san diego. i slept a lot on this plane but it was like an hour and fourty-five minutes. Still. sleep is good. well, yeah mom picked me up and i cried... a lot. haha. complicated. anyway, im here... if i want to be or not. Amen.

Today.

2009-01-23T17:27:00.000-08:00

According to how i feel now, today was not good. So, its offical. Diane and I are not friends and she doesnt even care. Okay. Sure, im fine with that but i definitely do not want to be here. Mom mostlikely will not let me go to Oak Harbor.. because she does not trust my friends. I was supposed to go to Oak Harbor for the second semester and I honestly thought that my mom was going to say yes... and we havent talked about it but im pretty sure its a no. I hate this feeling. No one care. No one understands. No one... wants me here. Okay, thats alright. Theres nothing left for me here. I keep losing. End.

I hate this feeling

2009-01-11T19:36:00.000-08:00

definitely a great way to start the year... i hate feeling like i am always losing to everything. everyone else wins except for me, of course. Friends? none. okay. I do not want to stay here... but i have to there is no way to do anything. why couldnt she just let me go for one semester?? gahh. =[ its really getting to me now and of course theres no one that i can talk to. no one understands. i hate this feeling. its like why would someone continue to be my friend if she/he doesnt want to. ughh. nvm. i miss oak harbor. annd my real friends. alyssa. kayla. i dont even know if i am going to be able to go in april or even in june. i need to save for college. ughhh. i have like 700 right now and thats probably how much it would cost for both plane tickets. ridiculous. mom wont even help pay and she knows like how much it means to me. its only because she knows that i would just want to stay there and she doesnt trust that i will come back. which i will. at the moment i am trying to make new friends. i hate that feeling as well because well, im very paranoid person. i just want someone to hangout with and i want them to like me. i mean i dont care what people think about me its only the ones i like. haha. cause i just want them to like me. why am i such a pess.? life sucks a lot right now. and i just want it to get better. i want alyssa. i need a hug. haha. no but seriously i need a kayla bear hug. i just miss being accepted/wanted/appreciated. again, i hate this feeling... and its too difficult to put it in good words to create into a song. im not that creative. i hate staying home. i love my job. i love getting money. i feel like im doing good, so far. my first paycheck was 443. =] haha. but it will be like 100 less the next come around. anyway, i have to figure my crap out. charter... i want to go now. lol. seirously, no one wants me here. i dont want me here either. gahh, alyssa. best friend. kayla. knows how to make me feel better. yeahhh. its not that i dont like the people here.. its just that they dont care. they only care about themselves. i do care about them but its like how can you be friends with someone who treats you different when their "favorites" are around?? im tired of it. no doubt. pretending? ive heard it all before. okay, i got to go.

annoyed

2008-12-26T20:11:00.001-08:00

alright, so here i am trying to solve this rubix cube and the phone rings. In the back of my mind i am thinking that it might be Jillena asking me to babysit and of course my dad says "Arianna, its for you" so i go and expect Jillena's voice but no... its Diane. She says, " Hey its diane, are you going to temple baptisms tomarrow?" Uhhh, lol. I just heard about it and well, no. Then she's like "but its arri's first time." Okay, in that case i am very excited for her and i would love to be there but i just cant annnnd it wouldnt make much difference anyway because well, arri and i arent really friends. so, honestly, it really wouldnt change much. Im just confused of why Diane calls me for baptisms and not for church activities. hmm. You know, i just keep thinking to myself maybe if the Laurels (including myself) put more effort out there maybe we would have more young women. For example, Larissa, she just doesnt want to go because she feels she doesnt get along with the girls annnd i could totally understand why. But really, its not my place to call anyone.. unless i feel the need. Its all diane. she is president and im not even been set aparts as the 2nd concilor (ughh, i hate not being able to spell). It just really really bothers me. Like, the only reason she is is because her mom put her there basically. anywayyy, i do not understand why sooo many things just annoy me the way they do. Man, its san diego. actually, i have no idea. Anyway, christmas was alright. glad its over. lol. i mean i love the things that go on before christmas day but ive never been a fan of the actual day since we moved. which is strange. I hate that i feel like ive changed sooo much and i know i have. i mean ive learned so much but i feel more of a bother now. im not quite sure how to explain it but its just how i feel. i feel a lot to myself. for example... i used to love giving hugs but i dont like any sort of that warmth besides the warmth of my blankets and jackets. i am definitely more annoyed, obviously. umm, im not so nice anymore. uhh, i dont love my "friends" as much as i claim. The only ones i can count on are my best friends (alyssa, kayla, jenna) and certain others. Ive lost interest but life is still good. I am going to Oak Harbor in April for 2 weeks and i can not wait. I would rather just go now. hah. but im fine waiting. umm, i dont know, i only wished that things would have turned out better than what they are, concerning my friends here. anyway, yeah bye.

December.

2008-12-20T12:49:00.000-08:00

I have not posted in the longest time. I have been somewhat busy. At the moment I am looking at possible scholarships. It definitely is difficult to find ones that fit you exactly or difficult because it is at a higher standard than what you want. I have already applied for one using my college essay from last year. This is the time i wish that i would have taken AP because i suck at writing. I mean i like it but i am not good at it. Anyway, not much has happened. My brother is coming for christmas. Not too excited. I am still trying to figure out what my plans are going to be once i graduate. Oh, yeah... i got accepted to Charter.. but i am like the fourth on the waiting list! I am so happy though... to a certain extent. If i start in Febuary i will finish school probably in May.. or earlier. I only need to finish English annnd umm Government and each one is four weeks. Well, actually i have no idea now because four weeks might be a semester. Anyway, i will figure it out before. Umm, what else? I am writing more and more songs. More world related songs, if that makes sense. Like, not about my life but about issues in the world. I dont know. I am really into it. Then there is this amazing song that i am currently working on. Its about well, i cant really explain it because its too sacred. haha. jk. I have a lot of unfinished songs. Lets see... Familar Face, Wondering, Change, Do you know, untitled song, Blue Sky (just cause i want to add more), Your truth (i want to add more), and yeahh. haha. I have a lot that I have to practice. So, i realized yesterday while i was hanging out with Larissa that the song we were working on was really her song because she would say "play these chords", etc annnd i was unable to put things in there i wanted. It was her lyrics annnd her harmony/chords. Which is totally fine because will write a song together one day. Umm, so this week i am working three days (my regualar days) but from like 10AM to whenever which will probably be until 3. Then that way i will make up hours from the week before. I have to make up like 4ish hours. Then the week after is unknown. I like getting some sort of break. Just because it helps me relax and write songs and catch up. Sometime i want to record one of my finished songs since it is almost christmas! haha. Just one though. Probably familar face if i finish it. Anyway, im good and yeah. Life is complicated. so, yeah. Byye

Utah.

2008-11-28T16:51:00.000-08:00

Hi. So as of right now i am in Utah. At the moment i am listening to a Kina Grannis Tutorial of the Goldfish Song. Interesting. Anyway, ughh Thanksgiving was alright. I am glad that my brother is here. Seriously. i missed him. haha. So, i have not yet talked to him about moving in with him. I mentioned it but it was even before he arrived in Utah. It sounded like he was somewhat interested but we need to talk more in depth about it. I would love living with him although, i would prefer to live with Kayla but i do not think that that is going to happen and even if it might... my brother and i will already have plans, maybe. Umm.. i keep having strange dreams with at least one person in them every single night. Sometimes it skips. I dont know. Kind of weird. Mom says that normally it means that they are the most on my mind which is definitely not accurate. I am sooo sure. Uhh, yeah. Since i have been here i have lost interest in plenty of things especially my music. Not quite sure why though. I dont know.. i feel like ive lost interest in a lot of things and ive changed sooo much. It's not really scary its just strange how biopolar it seems. Umm, Jenna is here in Utah but it sucks because were not going to be able to see eachother. Man, i just wish that i could back to Oak Harbor with Tone. I really would rather not go back to San Diego. I'm just really tired of the same old same old. Of course i would not like to stay here. I just want to be closer to myself. If that makes any sense. When i am in cali i feel like i can rarely be myself and i feel forced to do things that i would never normally do. I really dislike my parents for not empathizing with me with the whole going back part. The things i would give up. Its just that i wont be able to see everyone and hangout like it would be in High School. Sure, ill be living there but its different. My goal after i get out of high school is just to continue with school until i am completely finished. There are not going to be breaks. I love learning and i want to get my life started. Even if its not how i would like it to be. It will be somewhere close. I am definitely excited but hesitant all at the same time. Anyway, instead of just going on and on about my life long dreams (pahaha) i should get off so i can get started on my lovely homework annnd do more productive things. Not playing the guitar, like i said, i am not interested in it at the moment. My songs suck. lol. Yeeahh. bye.

Goldfish.

2008-11-10T19:19:00.000-08:00

I actually have time to write. A quick blog though. So, tomarrow=no school and i am planning on hanging out with Larissa. =] I am sooo stoked! We talked about performing and were going to do it. Hopefully, sometime this week. Friday? I dont know but that would be cool and very fun. At the moment i am finishing a couple songs and writing three at the same time. I checked and i have over 15 songs. Thats pretty good in 1 year. However, only a few are decent. For sure like 6 are not good at all. haha. Anyway, i am excited about my end of the year concert. Hopefully, these trips to the CoffeeHouse will help me in the long run because I need some sort of practice. Although, there are definitely going to be more people and people i know. That's hard. Man, i suck at writing now. Well, i was never good at it anyway. All well. haha. Anyway, yeahhh. I am getting an interview next week for a job. Hopefully, i get it. I need to start working asap. Not just for Jillena and Scott. I need real experience. I am going to be super busy. Thats the best. haha. If everything goes well ill have wed, sat, and sundays off. Then ill be home at 730 lastest. I dont know. I have to think about my hours and stuff. Anyway, im still taking drivers ed online. Just the class. Then the driving soon. Life is better. I miss kayla and alyssa! Im going to go in April. I have to. Yeahhh. Thats it. So, ive officially decided that i am not going to play any new songs for certain people and i am not going to post lyrics or do videos because i want everything to be a suprise. OHHH.. i forgot. Bellingham, WA is going to be my new home. Kayla and I are going to move in together, probably end up going to seperate schools but its alright. Alyssa will be there too... dont know exactly where but if we all wanted to we could buy a house. hahaha. riiight. anyway, just a thought. I am excited. =]
Bye

I don't love you:

2008-11-05T17:24:00.001-08:00

I dont love you..
How am i supposed to?
This was definitely my choice.
So, listen good to the sound of my voice.

Chorus:I dont love you
I dont love you!
I know its you thats hiding.
You dont have to pretendbecause ill never be so inviting.

I refused to write another love song.
but i guess this could apply to everyone.
Everyone..

Chorus.

Dont pretend that you once cared for me.
Because i just want to be happy.
And dont pretend that we were once friends.
I dont love you.. im not supposed to
I dont love you... i dont have to..
I dont love you... i dont want to...

cheezyyy sooong.. la la llaaaa.. =]

Forget.

2008-11-05T17:01:00.000-08:00

So, today was early release and i ended up hanging out with the magnificant brittani. haha. =] i love brittani pinson soooo much. Anyway, so we went out for lunch at the subway where lenard works and before i knew it we were talking about ann-marie. wow. umm.. it all started when we were talking about how brittani doesnt like teenagers unless she knows them personally.. which definitely does not make sense. then it got to when she worked with the YWs she "hated" this one girl because she was so snobby and self-centered, etc. So, then i told her that it was really hard for me to acutally hate someone and there are only 2 people that i do hate on this entire earth. And i told her that. Of course she asked who.. and i told her about michelle... the one that lives here in san diego.. the one i met when i went to taft, before oak harbor middle. anyway, then she asks who the other one was annndd.. i told her that i probably shouldnt tell her because she probably knows who she is. annnd of course she does. then she prys it out of me... and she asks why. seriously. the only person that knows is my mother... and thats only because ann-marie told her. then they both werent planning on telling me. hmmm. yeah, its just sooo stupid. seriously, i could not despise anyone more than i do ann-marie. she needs to grow up, stop trying to have a baby when her current children need care, annnd she needs to keep things to herself. too many things. its impossible for me to explain like why i hate her so much. i know why but i cant say it. anyway, i didnt tell brittani but im sure she knows... it wouldnt be suprising to her, im sure. i dont care like if she knows some things but i dont want to say it. ever. annnd its not something i particuarly like to talk about annnd its not something i want to be pryed out of me. last year... was terrible. i dont think it could have gotten any worse than it did. i just feel pretty naive for not getting myself out of there as quickly as i possibly could. i tried but i loved ann-marie that much. but i really do hate her. sure, i wouldnt go help her if she was dead in the road... hahaha.. brittani.. hah. its a joke. anyway, actually.. probably wouldnt. she hurt me soo much last year and i dont want anything to do with her. ive moved on and im happier. i love brittani. haha. anyway, we ended up going back to her house then picking up the girls from school. chris was sleeping... he looks so funny when he wakes up... hahahaha. thats it. i just wanted to write.

Forever.

2008-11-01T18:55:00.000-07:00

I have not written in ages!! Man, ive just been soooo busy. Well, today i got a new cell phone.. email me or something to get the number if you would like. Umm.. school is crazy good! I am doing awesome in all of my classes. I might get a job this week! Hopefully!!! Umm.. ive been writing imature songs. haha. And i love alesha. Maybe, later ill post one new song. Theyre cheezy though. haha. Umm... well, not much to say. I am happy. I am excited for life outside of san diego. I am ready for college.. i want to leave. I am on top of my game... sorta. and yeah!!! life is fantastic. I suppose.

Alright... i guess ill post a new song now.
Its called I dont love you.. and i know. haha. But the tune is great I love that. Its my favorite part.

I dont love you:
I dont love you..
How am i supposed to?
This was definitely my choice.
So, listen good to the sound of my voice.

Chorus:
I dont love you
I dont love you!
I know its you thats hiding.
You dont have to pretend
because ill never be so inviting.

I refused to write another love song.
but i guess this could apply to everyone.
Everyone..

Chorus.

Dont pretend that you once cared for me.
Because i just want to be happy.
And dont pretend that we were once friends.

I dont love you.. im not supposed to
I dont love you... i dont have to..
I dont love you... i dont want to...

END! how cheezy was that?! seriously. but ilove the beat and yeah. its great. anyway, later for now.

50.

2008-10-10T20:35:00.000-07:00

Its been a bit. I just have not had time to actually collect my thoughts and write. So, right now... school is alright. I wish that things would get better though. Unfortunetely i am talking to diane. I cant help it. Its a wierd relationship in my opinion. Anyway, soooo i was thinking today about next weekend. Were going to Portland and then it hit me that maybe i should try to talk to Trahan because she refuses to talk to me... and i kinda know why but you would think things would okay by now... its been 2 years. come on. So, i texted her and of course shes like "Who is this?" blah blah blah... and i told her if i told her she cant just not talk to me.. so i told her and she talked to me but was like im in class i cant talk. haha. okay. Now, she wont text me back. I dont know.. i just thought that it would be nice to see a familar oak harbor face. I might call her tomarrow and i knew that was probably going to happen because she also refuses to give me her email address. Its weird because one time i asked her if she even liked me.. and she said that if she didnt then she wouldnt respond to anything.... BINGO! she doesnt like me. haha. Nice. well, i wouldnt blame her. I might just call her but hopefully she will actually answer and wont be so annoyed. All i want to do is talk. seriously, im not as naive as i was when i was in 10th grade. Im grown up. haha. I just want to have a relationship with her. Oh yeah.. i wanted to talk to her because she lives in vancouver and it would be awesome to see her and talk to her. anyway, yeahh thats not going too well.. gahh, i dont want to call... im even worse on the phone. Other than that.. im writing new songs. I am going to get together with mr. b. to show him my stuff soon. Thursday we are going to plan. I feel like things have passed... sorta. haha. Okay, now the worst of all... ryant and mom have been going to ann-marie's house.... my mom wont tell me. anyway, my bro was over there and apparently she said hi to me... and i just had to say hi back.. but through and an email.. and then she wrote back with a ridicuolous apology... then this is what i wrote... "Look, i do appreciate your attempts to apologize to me.. but you cant just write it or text it and think that everything is okay. Umm, cause its not and im not sure that it ever will be. You hurt me a lot and sure, i miss you but i dont, in any way, want to be friends with you. I dont miss you that much. From where im standing never in a million years would i be your friend, again. You dont deserve my frienship, ever. Sure, you can be sorry... and im sorry for being so "rude" but i can not accept your apology this way and i can bet you because of this email you were intimidated a bit. I am just trying to move on, move out, and start fresh. The one thing that i learned from you... was to not spend so much time on one individual because i then lose opportunities to develop other friendships that i actually need. i should not have to work for friends... because frienship should be effortless. By this i have made new friends, developed new goals, and i feel much better.End." I am so proud of me. haha. Even though its kind of harsh... yeahh and even though i really didnt learn that from her.. i learned that from ward, diane, nancy, etc. she just needs to realize that things wont change until she finally does it the right way. annnd of course she didnt email me back. no suprise there. Tomarrow i babysit. Fun. =] mom and i have talked about the whole oak harbor thing annnnd yayaya!!! im sooo stoked to move out. haha. i have everything all planned out. im excited =]
seriously though, im praying that trahan will text me back or something because i really really dont want to call and if i do then im praying that she will answer and actually talk to me. Ive been through too much this year to be ignored all over again. Make sense? yes.

Blog:

2008-10-05T09:56:00.000-07:00

At the moment i am listening to G.C.. Yesterday was fun. I got to babysit for a long period of time and then i got to go to the Duffer's house. So things are zany everywhere; school, home, church. I havent really been going lately... not so sure if thats going to change. I really would rather switch wards at this point. I do love sister miller but not so sure i can deal with her being in the YWs. So, i have decided just to move on with a handfull of things... not oak harbor just san diego things. I am going to focus on school.. a few of my friends then most of all.. getting "another" job. After i graduate i want to be able to 1. move out 2. go see alyssa and kayla 3. go to college. I wonder if antonio would let me stay with him. maybe. I need to get my license. I need to get a car. Even though mom said she would buy me one after graduation... hmm yeah.. thats not going to happen. I need to save. I have 120 ish dollars right now. My first priority is buying a ticket for April. Then my next priority is buying my other ticket for graduation. Next: license, car, save. Those are my lovely goals. I think i am going to take the class online (for my license)then that way i dont have to go in for saturday cause i babysit that day. I am still wanting to graduate in white. Either way i am going to get my graduation suit. haha. Thats another goal. I have all A's so far okay.. and a B but its a good start. I am not going to get Senioritious. haha. I am immuned to it. General conference is sooo good. haha. Yeah, i should go now. =]

Sunday Eve.

2008-09-28T16:04:00.000-07:00

So, this weekend i learned something very valuable! By the way, it was amazing. Probably the best in a really long time. Anyway, i learned that i shouldnt have to try to be friends with someone and i dont have to lower my standards for someone. I have great friends that i dont even have to try with. I love that. I miss that. So, for now on i am going to do what i want and im not going to feel forced because i miss being myself; its hard to do that with people that i dont want to be around as often or when im trying to talk to someone what wont even look at me. This weekend was amazing. I had sooo much fun. Friday night i took Becca (but she drove me..) to a laurel movie night for the girls that went to camp. KJALGJWOEru!!! I miss them sooo much! During laurel camp it was great because i was myself and i didnt have to try and people still ended up liking me. I miss being with people that bring ME out. It feels good. haha. Then saturday i babysat Jace at her workplace... annd yeah!! Then later that night i hung out with Alesha and we went to the church and sang hahaha. Then later it was the movie drive in. I am sooo proud of myself because i finally had the courage to do something that i wanted to do. I hung out with Nancy annd Madelin annnd my favorite SUZIE! haha. We walked around and did fun things. We also decided that movie night once a week was manditory. haha. I strongly agree. Although suzie lives a ways away. haha. Its totally worth it though. I dont want to go to school tomarrow. ANND the other thing.. church. wow. yeah. today i didnt feel good but i dont think i would have went anyway. i just wish that things were different. i really want to move wards. and i know that sounds harsh but its just i dont feel like i fit in with anyone and feelings i get when i see people. i dont want to be around it. I am excited though because when mom leaves for arizona on some weekends i could just go to suzie's and stay there then go in the morning. =] but i should probably ask her first. haha. things are definitley getting somewhat better and eventhough its not the direction expected.. its something that im worth trying because i just want to make this the best. I love being busy. sooo much. Becca is awesome... and yeah. I feel better about things from this new perspective... although some of it seems wack but i dont care. haha. im happy right now. =] i just need that job and that will make things much better. anyway, byeyyes!!!

Wondering.

2008-09-25T17:37:00.000-07:00

Its been a bit.
What is there to say? Nothing really. Im writing new songs right now. Not very inspirational songs... because not so sure im in that type of mood and not so sure im ever going to be there. I always feel silly typing. Really, i just dont know what to say. I mean thats not really a good thing because i dont know how to say it i guess. Today was crap. I just dont understand why certain people act like they care about you and that pay no attention to you. I just dont understand why someone would do that. It really bothers me. Man, i dont want to be here anymore. Like seriously im over this place and just people in general. Sure because one person who influenced me to even consider the facts. Well, there are definitely more. I just wish people would understand. Of course they dont. People are too selfish these days. I dont even know where im going. I want to leave. I want to go somewhere where no one will find me because there is no point in being here when i would like to be closer to people but they are resistant or they dont even listen to you.
"I know you.
I can complete your sentence.
I can see through your many faces.
I know you.. do you know me???
You dont take the time to notice me.
You dont take the time to know me.
Im just trying to figure out.. why it is you act this way.
Stop playing favorites
Dont you understand??
I dont want to be pushed away.
I know that tomarrow will be the same.
Just stop playing favorites..
Please, just hear me out..
I dont want to be pushed away.
When i thought things were changed..
You just went back to your ways.
I know you.
Ive known im not your favorite but you dont have to act that way.
Im not sorry to say that i dont like being around you.
Please (for once) can you act human?
And recognize your surroundings..
For once i want to feel grounded when i am with you."

joasgjwoeruil~!!!!

Call.

2008-09-21T13:24:00.000-07:00

Man, this weekend has been good. I am sooo happy that i finally hung out with someone that i wanted to hangout with. Becca and i went to the malls yesterday annd then we went to borders. Just thinking about hanging out makes me miss it more. I was supposed to babysit last night at like 9 but out of nowhere Jillena calls me and tells me that shes going to pick me up at 630. I just barely got out of the house with Becca and there was no way that i could just say, "hey, i have to go home right now." I felt so bad because i had to tell Jillena that i couldnt do it. She understood but i dont know.. i just want her to feel like she can rely on me! ANND she can! Anyway, im working on a new song right now. But its different so not so sure i know how it sounds. I am not having a great day. OR senior year. its just sooo stressful. I talked to Grace the other day and she gave me really good advice annd i just wish that things were different. I always do. Its just life and honestly i hate it sooo much. No one will ever understand. I dont want people too. I really just want to leave and go somewhere else. So, this spring break... alsdkjgdfh;!! i hate saying that because im not even supposed to be here.. im just here for everyone else and no one seems to get that. Seriously, what about me? Ive done all of this for everyone else. When is it my turn? The people that i want to be close to dont want anything to do with me.. so i would rather just move on and i cant because im stuck here with such little options. Make the best of it? How is that even possible when the best makes me feel soo miserable. Im changing into someone that i cant stand. Im turning into someone that i would even hangout with. I dont understand. I just want to be happy and i find that clearly impossible because of the things that are being brought to my table. I am not capable of being myself because when being myself i need some sort of support. I feel so alone right now. This is not good. All these retardo dreams are getting to me. What if someone i really cared about died today? tomarrow? next week? I dont want to be alone. I just want to feel like someone actually wants me here. Its weird because i tell myself that no one cares about me and i know thats not the case (even though they act like it). Ive lost control. Ive lost myself. I hate my life soo much. I hate wishing.

Yeahh.

2008-09-17T17:00:00.000-07:00

Today was good and short. Annnd now im seriously sick of my mom annnd just my family in general. I dont understand a lot but i do understand that my mom does not have control over my life. Im tired of waiting on people. I am independent... i just need a job sooo that i dont have to seem so co-dependant all the time. GhAHHAHlsdjkgwoeu!!! It just makes me mad because she thinks she knows everything and SHE DOESNT! I could care less about our relationship because shes never been there for me like she wants to. Fine she can control where i live for now but she cant CANNOT control my life. shes not even a mother to me. I dont know. ANYWAY, im excited because i made a new friend!! Her name is Becca and she is super nice! im excited because were hanging out soon (friday) annd i invited her to come with me to the thing that Pam and Amalia are going to do something for me. haha. even though we already did that. I love them soo much! Becca is pretty cool and im excited because i want to be able to hangout with someone and not feel so forced because i dont have anyone else to hangout with. I mean yes, i love diane but sooo many things bother me about her and i cant stand it. seriously. Today is just a bad day. haha. It will get better this weekend. Yesterday i baby sat all day from 3-7. I think that Jillena is going to have me babysit on Wednesdays too now because i get out earlier, guess thats a good thing. Anyway, gtg..

Monday

2008-09-15T05:34:00.000-07:00

I love mondays. =]
This weekend was definitely the best. I had sooo much fun saturday babysitting and then doing the talent show and THEN going to the dance. Ive never been so busy and it feels soooo goood! haha. Then the fireside last night was pretty amazing. I loved the speakers. Gahh, im soo glad that i did the talent show.. haha. It helped boost my confidence. I wrote a new song!!!! WITH the chords! ahhh. i just have to clean it up some. haha.

I hate that i miss you:
This is killing me.
We really had it all.
But somewhere, somehow we would fall.
Please, just talk to me.
Just talk to me.

Chorus: I hate that i miss you.
I miss us.
I miss our trust.
For you it might have been nothing more than lust..
But i cant help that i fell for you
I hate that i miss you
And you dont know.

We were above the rest
But i always stood at second best
When will you see how much you really mean to me?
When will you know that i would never let go?

Chorus.

I cant think straight
This is damaging
My eyes are racing across the screen
I dont fully understand
This that is at hand.

Chorus.

I feel isolated
And your voice is faded.
At first we were reluctant to slip away
But now were not okay.

I dont want this song to be over
Because i love it when were closer.
I hate that i love you (x2)
And you dont know.

I still have to fix some words but i love it sooooo much! the strumming and everything.. its great!!! anyway, i have school. later. =]

Happiiieee Friday!

2008-09-12T15:16:00.000-07:00

I promise thats not how i really spell "happy." haha.. just so you know. Today.. was great, so far. Its not over. haha. Im going to the game at 630. Anyway, today, it was sooo great because i saw ward annnd she talked to me! haha. I dont know what it is but sometimes if other people are around that they adore more thennn they act different. If that makes sense. She does that. Its okay though because lots of people do it to me (ehehmmm.. ann-marie). Anyway, thats not important. Although i enjoyed my 15 minutes hanging out with her. Such an amazing/crazy person. ANNND the biggest dork. Its fantabulous. hahaha. i looked that up and its really a word. how insane is that? I hate that word. haha. My dream semi came true. if dreams come true. OKAY... sooo tomarrow.. ughh long long day! Im babysitting Jace alll day (basically) from 8am to 4pm. Then i have the ward talent show at 5pm but i think it starts at 6. UGHHH... im scared but im excited. im going to sing "not okay"... one of my favorite songs ever! It just seems boring because the chords are the same but i tried to make it entertaining.. annd its the easiest song sooo its going to be hard for me to mess up. Im scared though because.. she is gonna be there... hopefully not though. however, it will be such an accomplishment because im facing more fears. Its just that... i promised her that i after i learned more i would play/sing to her.... annd i find that a privledge.. annd she doesnt deserve any of that. life is hard. anyway... uhh if you havent seen my song.. i love it sooo much.. haha its http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRYv2kSQ7Yw
its just rough. ANYWAY... in conclusion.. ward is amazing, today was great, and tomarrow is long. END. =]

Blog Time!

2008-09-10T12:25:00.002-07:00

Short. Im over school. Over friends. I need new GOOD friends!! Im tired of being ignored. I hate feeling below. Yeahhhh. I miss Oak Harbor. Cant believe alyssa forgot my bday. Hate ann-marie. JERK. WHY ARE YOU HERE?! why am i here..? Ughhh.
End.

6:50PM: I just woke up from a 3 hour nap annnd i had such an amazing dream... sad that it wasnt true. Even though it wasnt real.. i needed it sooo much.. im really stressed out and i dont feel good right now. ughhh. i talked to ward.. lots and she was nice to me (she normally is but she actually talk to me... one on one with other people around)!! haha. then sister duffer hugged me... annnd she wouldnt let go. awww. haha. man, i miss longs hugs from kayla sooo much!!! i feel somewhat better after that.. but my allergies keep acting up and i have noo idea where its coming from. there was more but i dont remember. im jealous of my dreams. hah.

Sunday (late) Eve:

2008-09-07T18:48:00.000-07:00

All my homework got finished at 6PM and ive been working since maybe 2PM and taking breaks inbetween.. for food, water, etc. Im happy. haha. Im starting to feel sick.. my allergies are acting up which is weird because there are no cats here. soooo.. idk.

Newest song...

Favorites:
I know you..
I can complete your sentences.
I can see through your many faces.
I know you.. Do you know me??
You dont take the time to notice me.
you dont take the time to get to know me.
Im still trying to figure out why it is that you act this way.

(Chorus:)
Stop playing favorites
Dont you understand?
I dont want to be pushed away.
Tomarrow will mostlikely be the same.
And you'll be the one to blame.
Stop playing favorites... because i dont want to play this game.

WHen i thought things were changed..
you just went back to your ways.
Please tell me that you just dont want to be there for me.
Am i asking for too much?
Is this too much?

Chorus.

This is not a love song.
I know you.
I know your every need.
Ive known.. im not your favorite.
Trust me.. ive got that.
Just be there for me and please dont ignore me.

Chorus.

Birthday....

2008-09-06T13:22:00.000-07:00

Yeah. So, i called grams back because she called me.... annnnd i told her that im not graduating... at least not walking. Should i feel bad? Ive done all of this for everyone.. is it not my turn yet?? Seriously. what do i benefit from this? I know that i dont have to with everything... but ive been waiting for a while. I deserve at least one thing for me. No matter how big. No one will ever understand..
Today (so far): I woke up. Babysat Jace!! =] Then diane brought me a cake.. or made me a cake... annnd a card! Then i came home. Wow. Today... is just awesome! well, i mean what did i expect? i dont like celebrating birthdays. i feel like i should get things and whatever. its just like any other day, really. LATER.

SUNDAY:
So, right now.. its sunday.. i just felt like completing this post because it looks like i got off on a bad start. SOOOO... later on that day... we went and picked diane up. She came here.. we played.. or attempted to learn some guitar. hahaha. Then we went to the mall for a little. Then to IHOP where everyone i love sooo much (that lives in SAN DIEGO) came minus a few (Pamalamba or Pam, Ward, Nelson, Grace, Erica, etc). Anyway, i had a blast with all that came! I love ihop. haha. Then i slept over at diane's. THANKS AGAIN!!! I LOVE YOU!

Anyway, today... ughhh.. i saw her and i contained myself. YAYYY!! its hard. Man. Then mom was sitting next to her.. isnt that lovely. Thanks sooo much mom. right. anyway, sorry... after that yeahhh.. im not in a good mood. Keeping my distance and whatever. I just want this year to be over already. I need to leave. I have tons of homework.. sooo im trying to load my pics then send them asap. Its not too irratating. haha. However, having school tomarrow.. is very irratating. Im over it already. Im getting used to it. bye. =]

Dirt.

2008-09-05T20:07:00.000-07:00

Oh man... i dont know what to say. I wish that i was more optimistic.. hah. riiight. I feel so defeated. First day of school... sucked and it just gets worse. WHY DID I NOT READ MY AP BOOK!?!?! gahhh. Well, i didnt think that i would be staying here... thats why. Im dumb. So, this week.. yeah, been hanging out with diane. i feel like its getting better. good. i dont think i can do this by myself anymore... like i said.. i feel defeated and i feel like everything and everyone that doesnt understand is against me. I dont know how i feel about this. Sunday.. wow. i dont want to go. shes gonna be there... and im probably either going to blow up ooorr im gonna cry. =[=[=[ i hate this sooooo much. Im not going to be able to even contain myself. Its upsetting... i cant do this.. ahhhh... why didnt mom just tell her off?!?! Thats even more disappointing. It hurts more than anyone can even imagine... yeah... im not going to forgive her? why??? BECAUSE SHES AN ADULT.... she knows what she did wrong. jerk. seriously, grow up. ihml. ohhh.asdlfkjwoetusdfl! lol. anyway, sooo... today i hung out with diane. weve been leaving ward notes.. =] thats fun. awww.... i love ward. i just hate it that i never put myself out there... and i try but of course i cant. go me! today.. has just been complicated. lol. i realize that people i care about like to play favorites. i actually wrote a song 5th period after we visited ward. hmm. i find many people doing it. why cant they just act like they know me?? or better, to not ignore me. Anyway, it got semi better when i went to diane's. we watched project runway, ate food, and decided to swim. I miss lyssa.... i dont even know what im doing. why im here? I just found out the other day that if my dad goes on deployment... then were going to go live with pachia... aka, mom's bff. not cool. shes not even going to tell me. thats nice. just too many things all at once. i hate my period. haha. im too emotional. its not impossible to control but honestly, it feels better. at least i like to make myself believe that it is. i dont know.. no one trusts me.. and i dont feel like i can trust anyone under this roof. mom is telling ry things that hes not allowed to tell me.. she thinks im going to runaway.. i would if she wouldnt call the police on me. just one year and a day. blahhh. im over it. she even knows this site.. cause she like spys on me. seriously. i dont know where im going in life. im completely clueless.. i feel like i have things in place... but of course its not. ualkjdfgpwti! tomarrow. birthday. not fun. i want alyssa for my birthday! i remember i asked for ann-marie for christmas last year... lame. but i asked for lyssa and kayla too. then oak harbor tickets. well, i lost ann-marie. then im too far away. then no oak harbor tickets... some christmas that was. haha. just kidding. anyway, i should go now. work on my new songs. =]=]=]

I.H.

2008-09-01T17:59:00.000-07:00

So, we went to Arizona this weekend. It was alright. I went on my first date! haha. Aww, i wub Benton (Brenton). Finally saw dark night... ahhh sooo good! I do love Joker but he kinda scares me at the same time but the acting was sooooo good. Its great. Anyway, ughhh... tomarrow school starts. Man.. it sucks. My hair is permed. Im happy with it. I love it! Havent written anymore songs but i have some good lyrics. I dont really have much to say. Im not really sure how i feel at this point. Give it a few weeks. Or days. Or hours. Tomarrow. Im still gonna ask later on. Maybe second semester. Im for sure getting a job! Oh yeah.. my plan. SOOOO... if i end up graduating here... im not going to walk because 1. it makes it harder on me just being there. 2. because serra graduation is on the same day as oak harbor grad and im not missing that. Seriously. So, right after i get out of school im gonna buy a one way ticket and go there and stay until i feel like coming back. I might actually just live up there. I dont know yet. Were not that far yet... because Skagit college is right there and thats what i want to do is go to community college for a year then transfer to Cornish College of the Arts. =] Im excited. I just want to be there. More than anything and i guess its okay that im not even though i know that its really not because Alyssa needs me but i guess if she really really needed me He would send me... i hate that i feel like everyone wins. I always lose my fights. Its unfair. This isnt home. I still need to finish that song. haha. AND the hate song. I love those. They have power. hahaha.

This is such a good song. I love it!! Shes fantastic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aR_xe4xpz4I

Interesting Fact: My birthday is Saturday AND im not excited. hah.

37.

2008-08-25T10:12:00.000-07:00

So, mom and i talked... and of course she said no. i was sooo upset. i still am because it was just yesterday but i mean if she really wishes for me to stay here and have a lousy senior year then its her choice. i called ann-marie the b word... twice. no regrets there. she is... to me. mom told ry what happened between us.. THANKS SOOOO MUCH MOM. seriously, i cant trust anyone. Im trying not to think about it all because its just frustrating and its always a no. always. always. always. i just cant get my mind to settle for a no... because its my last year.. theyve already taken the rest of my sophomore year and all my junior year... now my senior. jerks. they want me to be here for them. what about my happiness? i dont feel comfortable. i cant go to someone's house when i want to get out... i dont know hardly anyone that i could. that i would want to. i dont even know if its okay for me to hangout with grace at lunch and stuff... were not super close. i dont have that reliability. My mom said that she and dad "considered" what i had to say. sure you did. i hate them sooo much right now. this is ruining our relationship and you know.. im gonna let it because my friends are everything to me... YES MORE THAN FAMILY. my family was hardly ever there for me and now since were here.. they want to be closer. HAHA... no. thats not happening. The only thing i learned this last year was to not trust people unless i know they are "a sure thing" ohhh and one more thing... i dont want to feel left out or mistreated by dumb friends who dont respect my friends. I hate my life sooo much! Its always been that way.. its not coming up just because im not in oak harbor. ive hated my life since who knows when. my family, before, was never a family. cause i had no father for a really long time. the ones that i did have were abusive and jerks that i dont want to get married. i dont want to. i cant. then when i did have a father figure... he treats his own kids better than he treats my mom's kids. exactly. If my mom was concerned about my happiness... she would know exactly what to do. you know.. my birthday is soon and i dont even care. normally im excited.. IM NOT. I dont want to celebrate another birthday without alyssa. more than anything i just want to be there for her. I need to see her. Now when mom buys a ticket shes going to make sure i promise that im going to come back. suuure. why would i want to be here?!? seriously. okay, i do want to be here.. but its only because of my classes... and i actually have to drop my AP english class because i thought iw as going to be able to go... for some reason... and i didnt do my homework. im really upset but it is my fault but its mom's faoult too for not telling me until 1 week before school starts. Then the other thing is... no one understands here.. and when i bring oak harbor up to diane or whoever... yeahhhh umm they dont like it. soo basically im alone for my senior year. thanks sooo much mom. thanks. i prayed and i read my scriptures and i had a strong feeling that i would be able to go... but what am i to say... im not a good mormon. ive never got yes or no in anything ive ever prayed about. i have no faith.. .so i guess that means i dont have anything else. Everyone but me wins. why is it always like that? im gonna miss their graduation too. i seriusly cant wait until im 18 and that was their excuse was because im not 18 yet. whatever! antonio was gone when he was 17. ill be 17 thank you very much. i really want to runaway. i dont wish to stay here with my family. their all against me.. mom likes to tell everyone everything. shes just like "im here for you"... hahahahaha.. thats funny. even when she is home shes on the computer oorr shes on the phone. true story. i dont want to be aroudn that. annnnd she said that "just two friends wont be able to support me." UMM you dont support me. They would be able to support me more than you because they are my friends.. i just need friends thats it! i dont do anything for you to support me. i have supported basically myself when i was a teenager. i know what im talking about. my friends have supported me through a lot too. more than anyone could. its only because mom didnt know what was going on and they did. if i told mom something she would practically the whole world. why would i talk to someone like that? sounds like ann-marie. ohh look.. dont trust people like ann-marie. i dont regret any of this. im upset sure but most of this.. ive felt this way fro a long time. mom, you know nothing besides the fact that you just want me here.. im probably not gonna be able to go to prom or homecoming.. why?? because i dont have anyone to go with. not meaning a date but meaning that no one that i know... goes. you suck. i hate you... but i love you. i hate you right now though and seriously, im not talking to you for a long time. dont suprise me with a party.. because i dont want it. i dont want it. i want alyssa. i want oak harbor. i want my true friends. that i can rely on. i only have like one here but im not even sure about it anymore. i cant do this.

p.s. i wrote two songs since my last blog.

Straight into.

2008-08-21T21:24:00.000-07:00

Today was interesting. haha. I spent practically all day with the YWs for the whole YW project thing. Some parts were good then others werent. I dont understand why im sooo uncomfortable around diane.. maybe its because i just dont want to be close to her. Then... i always feel left out now.. but i try to ignore that but i think it just gets worse. Then i left at 4 cause i babysat at 630. I just got back... i love watching gabby. she is sooo cute.. and very funny! Ry went to orientation.. ughh.. classes... im excited but at the same time.. i havent finished any of my AP stuff. Ughhh... it just bothers me soo much even thinking about it. Its like.. i do understand where my parents are coming from.. but they dont even know what its like.. they dont know exactly how i feel. I cant put it in words. I dont know that many words. Just most of it is negitive.. i just want to feel like i belong somewhere.. i want to feel like someone wants me there... i dont want to feel like im left out like i feel here. It is my security and i dont think theres anything wrong with that.. i would rather just move on after high school. Of course no one ever gets anything that they want... its like.. they had me for these last year and a half.. is it too much to ask for just to have one to myself? People do it all the time. I dont see a difference... i just want to sooo bad! I havent seen my friends over a year.. ive already lost some. Sure they are going to miss out on my senior year.. but mom hasnt been there for me like she wants to... thats probably not going to change. i have my friends and family for support but i am capable of doing everything just fine. I am totally confident right now that this is going to work out. Change is good sometimes. Im just flustered. I love how i can just write and SOME people cant read it.. or dont want to. I just dont want to be misunderstood. You know.. im a good person. I feel like im trying to go the right path.. but of course.. im probably not. lol. I try. I like being nice to people.. i dont udnerstand conflict very well.. im not really a part of it. I dont know what to do.
Sorry... soo tomarrow im hanging out with Larrissa for a little in the morning. Im excited.. but i feel like i waste too much time on guitar. Ive never been the one to give up.. why do you think im fighting to go back?? I love it soo much. The people there are awesome. I deserve this. I love everyone here too but its my last year and i feel like i have the right to choose where to go... kinda like college. If it was a different year.. it would be.. well, different. lol. I just feel more comfortable there. I know that people wont hurt me AS MUCH. I know soo mnay people there that i can just hangout with whoever i watn to and i wont feel like i have to. Im just not the type of person to stand up for whatever... im shy and i cant help it. lol. Im trying to make a point but im not getting anywhere. Im scared.
Sorry.. again. I hate this soo much.

Interesting Fact: I love knowledge.. its my favorite part of life.. or second. I love learning something new or just learning something. I think its the best gift in the world.. YES, above love and sometimes family/friends. It just depends.

Moving...

2008-08-20T12:08:00.000-07:00

Would definitely be nice right now. I just dont know what to say anymore because... really, im torn between two seperate and very different paths. I want to stay here because i want to get to know certain people better; grace, ward, autumn. Then i want to leave because.. why would i want to graduate here? This is just soooo old. Anyway, im pretty sick right now. Not too bad though. I didnt go to sleep until like 1am.. i had severe insomnia last night. My voice sounds pretty good when i sing. hahah JUST KIDDING. Anyway, i wrote a new song called traced tear... like the song just symbolizes like how your in a relationship.. even though i was never in one... but it definitely felt like it... just how your both wanting different things and just how your so in love but you have to go your own way buuut the other person doesnt seem like they ever liked you even though thats what they said to you. kinda being used. life sucks sometimes.. lol. I need to stop writing songs about relationships and what not. Seriously, im writing this new one NOT relationship related. I keep having these crazy dreams.. alyssa dying (that was scary), then alyssa changing (like not in a good way... she was smoking lots of pot and whatever), then last night a dream about running around some school with kayla and i had a helmet on?? because i hit my head when i fell off a ship into the ocean. I dont know what that means but its pretty crazy to me. You know im just scared of what will happen here... im scared what will happen there too. Mom keeps having to go to the doctors because she has olsers.. i dont even know how to spell them but its crazy. i dont think she could die but we dont know for sure. i just want one year to myself where i can just relax (to a certain extent of course), have fun, be happy. Its hard to do that here and i just want it to be great!!! That really doesnt seem like much to ask for.. but its complicated. I just want to feel free from all this stuff that happened. I just need some time.. some space annnd yeahh. I seriously dont even care about my birthday... that should be the only gift i get.. really, i dont even care because its all i want right now. I do feel like i deserve this... and i dont deserve to stay here because ive worked so hard NOT to go.
I babysat.. 7 hours.. actually 8 hours yesterday. It was interesting. haha. It was tough. But its the only way im going to get any money and im saving right now.. even though i get to 200 and then i spend it. lol. well, just 50. When i get past 200 im not going to be spending 200. The only exception is for a hard guitar case... which might cost 100 at most. thats only if i end up leaving. Anyawy, umm. Today ana and i are gonna go to the mall or the malls to get some pants for me and then i really really wanna see if that purse is there. Yeahh. lol. Ummmm.. Tomarrow is that all day thing.. not sure if im going.. i dont even have a ride because mom is at work. So, idk. Anyway, yeah.
ill post things later.. im just really tired and whatever.

2 years.

2008-08-18T10:15:00.000-07:00

Hi, just woke up. Hmm.. Yeah i think im sick. This sucks. haha. My throat hurts sooo bad... its sore and my nose is a little stuffy. So, my plan is to not talk like all day and not to sing. haha. Thats gonna be semi-hard. So, today. im not babysitting. i think im going to read all day.. annnd then clean my room and yeah. I really need to finish my AP books. I hate saying that. Last night.. i went through some of my old poems and beginning lyrics.... that i wrote forever ago. Then i found some ann-marie notes. That didnt help. Then other notes. haha. I started writing another song.. or at least lyrics/poem inspired by my stuff. haha. Then i started writing another song about.. not really sure yet. I want to write like a spiritual song.. but its hard because like ive never had like certain experiences... and it all sounds cheezy... it goes somethnng like.. "Theres a strom in your soul tonight. A voice is telling you everything is gonna be alright. You were lost and confused in this storm you abused. Dont cry." I have more but its seems soooo cheezy. like he is there.. and he knows your needs.. and whatever. lol. then it goes into pray with me?? yeah. i dont know i might not make it a gospel song because the beat is weird as well. i like it but its not right for churchy music.. if you know what i mean. Anyway, yeahhh. im tired. i feel sooo sick. We have to clean today, including my room. Yeuuup. Not so fun. So this week is pretty easy i guess. Tomarrow i might be babysitting. Hopefully i get better before then. Then thursday im babysitting again.. for sure for Doris. But all day is the YWs thing.. but im not sure that im willing to go. As bad as it sounds.. haha. THeres like nooo time left. Mom says if he does say yes then i can go a little after school starts. lets hope. I dont want anyone to really find out that lives there.. because i want it to be a suprise. i might cry. i would actually if it happened. Just for sooo many reasons. 1. cause im there. 2. cause i just left my family. 3. cause i would be free of ann-marie and other certain people. 4. cause i would be happy but scared at the same time. 5. senior year at oak harbor high school!!!! Anyway, i talk about it soo much now. Not good. lol. Anyway, i should probably go.

Interesting Fact: I have always wanted a snake pet. =] lol.

Birds that can fly.

2008-08-17T20:42:00.000-07:00

Ughh.. so i think im getting sick. this is nooot good. i have to babysit... and blahh. maybe ill just rest all day tomarrow since im not babysitting. I dont know. Anyway, sooo arizona wasnt as bad as it normally is. i try to keep my distance from certain things.. or people because yeahh. I got some new clothes.. and shoes. hahaha. im excited. I love my clothes sooo much! I have weird taste, in everything. Sometimes i think its too much... im so paranoid. haha. Not really a good thing. GAHH.. my throat hurts sooo bad. Ward is frustrating. lol. This is sad.
Oak Harbor, is everything. Im scared that hes going to say no. Its on my mind constantly and i cant help it because.. it just means soo much. Ugh.
When we were driving home.. mom was asking me like if ive talked to ann-marie reciently and i said no... because apparently she texted my mom.. telling her to call her. You know, I just realized today that its gonna be sooo hard.. harder than i thought if i stay here. They are gonna wanna hangout and whatever. I just dont know if im going to be able to handle it because shes gonna make it so that i do get jealous. Shes good at making me jealous... but she does it on purpose. Why did i even put myself through this kind of relationship? aww.. i hurts. I just dont want to say anything stupid like, "Its okay, can we hangout??" Its not okay. Really, im not. Its not going to be easy getting over something like this.. its like i have to get away to fully recover. Cause whenever i see her... everything just comes back. Its sooo stupid. Stupid enough to make me want to leave. I dont know what im going to do...

Interesting Fact: I dont put up with complicated relationships especially ones that reenact my previous relationship with you know who.

Friends, i miss you.

2008-08-15T09:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday. Today. Tomarrow. Yesterday was good. I babysat Jace for a couple of hours and then Jillena and i picked up Larrisa. YAYY!! It was fun. Larrisa came over and we hung otu for a while. We talked and played the guitar. She loves my new song. Gahh.. i hope its good. I hate that i feel like she only says it just because. Anyway, i finished my other newish song last night. It was in need of a new verse.. then i changed up the chours a bit. I need to sit down and clean up my songs because i always forget to. Sooo yeah.. i was tired yesterday from my run on tuesday. haha. i need to go run again. Maybe monday. Today, im going to arizona. Larrisa might come over for a few and then we will take her home.. if she decides to come of course. Yeahh. Tomarrow were going school shopping. For clothes and what not. i already have like 4 new shirts. 2 that ive worn out of the house. OH yeah, last night.. i bought water for elephants. Im excited. I have to finish my AP books!!!! gahhh.. and all the homework that comes with it. Im basically screwed if i end up staying here. Not excited. The thing is.. if i do stay here.. then guess what? Im gonna be hanging out with Grace Anderson annnd not diane. I just dont want to be close to her anymore. its hard for me. Its gonna be hard on me if i cant go and diane is just gonna say to get over it.. annnd i dont know. i guess its just hard for me to hear that... its almost as if you said to get over someone dying.... notice i said almost. Its just i dont think she fully understands. Actually, she doesnt. Shes lived here like her whole life... i moved soo many times.. ive lost count. But one move was all it took for me to break. anyway, enough about moving. soo. arizona=no fun/third wheel/jealous. thats all i have to say about that. eaysdfowuetpdfga'df/ im tired.

Interesting Fact: my new song is called "When" annnd its kinda cheezy. haha. But ill let you be the judge of that.

31.

2008-08-13T07:58:00.000-07:00

Oh man.. im sooo tired. haha. Im babysitting again today (brady and kaylynn). Then brittani and i are gonna try to go to larrissa's today. Senior pictures today!! Im scared but excited at the same time. haha. Hopefully, they dont something stupid. Anyway, ughhh.. time is defintely running out. School starts on the 4th in oak harbor... mom and dad need to decide now.. sooo i can pay for my ticket. I have 190 bucks. Ive been saving it soooo if they say i can go then ill be able to pay for my own if they tell me to. lol. Im supposed to babysit again on saturday.. but i totally forgot that we were gonna be going to arizona. soooo i cant. i have to text her later. i feel bad though because scott hasnt been to his class for a while.. and im sure he wants to. =[ Anyway, yesterday was fun!!! haha. im exhausted. Im probably not gonna get any sleep until tonight. Grace and i are gonna hangotu tonight too.. at 5-730. annnd with other people too. its weird because weve never really hung out by ourselves. its just awkward for me though. cause i dont know grace very well and vice versa. Im excited though. I LOVE GRACE!! we havent hung out for almost a month now. sad. very sad. lol. actually, pretty sure its been a month. aww. lol. tired. haha. ive never been so tired. normally im this tired when i have those insomnia nights. that hasnt happened lately though.. thankgoodness. project runway tonight!!!! yayyy. haha. I have to watch the re-runs.. i wasnt able watch like 2 of them. anyway, i gtg. shower. i have to text ward later today because im sure she already forgot! haha. shes like that. ill give it a while though. I just want to talk to her about some things and yeahhhh. im excited. lol. anyway, bye.

Interesting Fact: We used to have chow dogs named pear and bear haha. bear was a black chow and then pear was a golden one. =]